


Shatter the Heavens

by papaya_oyl



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Agressive behavior, Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations, I'm Sorry, Insomnia, Lots of Angst, M/M, Memory Loss, References to Depression, Sickness, Weight Issues, iwaoi - Freeform, muscle spasms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papaya_oyl/pseuds/papaya_oyl
Summary: “Hey Iwa-chan, do you know the legend that if you die, you become a star? Your soul flies to the sky and there’s a place for you to stay. Everyone has their own spot that's been reserved for them since the moment they’re born, and the galaxy extends to hold every single person. You stay up there to watch over everyone else forever.” Oikawa turned his head and looked into Iwaizumi’s eyes. “I bet there’s someone up there watching us right now.”Oikawa and Iwaizumi have moved to Tokyo together for university, and are living their lives playing volleyball, and spending almost all of their waking moments together. Everything is perfect. Until it isn’t, and when everything starts to fall apart, it’s up to Iwaizumi to fix what is broken.Iwaizumi gazed into the eyes that shone with tears, seeing the galaxies that sparkled in those beautiful chocolate orbs.“Make it go away, Iwa-chan. Please, make the pain go away.”The stars weep and cry. The heavens destroy and ruin.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 16
Kudos: 24





	Shatter the Heavens

**Author's Note:**

> ~Close my eyes and think of you  
> Go to sleep and dream of you  
> We don't get to be here long
> 
> I gave you the best of me  
> Loved you more than anything  
> We don't get to be here long~

**December**

“Iwa-channnnnn!” 

Iwaizumi sighed and turned around.

_Here we go again._

“Oi Shittykawa, if you’re gonna follow me at least keep up. I’ve looked back to find you lagging behind _eight times._ Next time just stay at home instead of following me on my run.”

Oikawa simply laughed and flung his arm around Iwaizumi, his head tilted back with the sun shining on his face. 

“Sorry Iwa-chan, but I’m not gonna let you go on your _depressing_ morning runs without my company. I’m here to make everything better!”

Iwaizumi scowled. “Don’t flatter yourself. No one asked for your company. We spend too much time together anyway.”

Oikawa gasped, “Iwa-chan, how dare you defile my sacred presence with those cruel words! Now buy me some milk bread as compensation.” 

Iwaizumi glanced at his watch to check the time. _7:37._ He sighed and faced Oikawa’s beaming smile. 

“Alright, but make it quick. We have class at eight.”

“Awwww Iwa-chan, you’re so sweet.” Oikawa squealed when Iwaizumi went to smack his arm, and bounded off. “We better hurry up or we’re gonna be lateeeee.” 

Iwaizumi resisted the urge to slap his face, and slowly followed Oikawa. 

* * *

“Alright start stretching!”

Iwaizumi slowed to a walk, and panted while trying to calm his beating heart. Practice had been a _bitch_ and the conditioning at the end was just the icing on the cake. His entire body ached, and he knew that he would be passing out once he got home. Well, he would be if Oikawa didn’t drag him to the roof for stargazing again. 

Iwaizumi heard a cackle to his left, and looked over to see Kuroo holding his stomach and wheezing at something Oikawa said. Oikawa himself was bent over himself, trembling with mirth while light, airy chuckles made their way past his lips. His hair was bouncing around, damp with sweat but still looking beautiful. His training shirt clung to his back and his muscles-

_Stop. What are you even thinking?_

Iwaizumi shook his head trying to disrupt the flow of his thoughts. He made his way toward the direction of the maniacs, still giggling like two schoolgirls, and huffed out a grunt. 

“Oi, stop laughing. We have to start stretching.”

The two made eye contact with each other, and only proceeded to laugh even harder. Iwaizumi felt his cheeks flush, and hoped that they didn’t notice. 

“What are you even laughing about?” Iwaizumi questioned, trying to stop himself from looking at the sweat that ran down Oikawa’s forehead and dripped from his chin.

“Well, _Iwa-chan_ , we were just saying how you look _awfully_ nice in that shirt. You know, with it matching with your face and everything.” 

Kuroo screeched and slapped Oikawa on the back, trying to control his shaking while falling to the knees. Oikawa threw his head back and laughed, the sound flowing into Iwaizumi’s ears and soothing his heart. It almost distracted him from the fact that Oikawa and Kuroo were laughing at him. Almost. 

“You…” Iwaizumi couldn’t stop the sense of horror he felt. “What did you do.” He raced towards the bathroom to check his face. 

Sure enough, there was a hastily drawn alien on his cheek, along with a spaceship and stars. It matched his shirt that he had borrowed from Oikawa earlier when he had been rushing at the apartment and couldn’t find his training shirt. 

_Oikawa, you brat._

Iwaizumi struggled to find a memory of when this had occurred, thinking back to earlier in the afternoon before practice. He had been in a hurry since he had taken a nap after classes, and had raced to the gym after trying to change in the living room while Oikawa had laughed at him—

Iwaizumi’s head snapped up as he remembered.

“I took a nap. I took A NAP.” He groaned, and turned on the sink, trying to get the worst off of his face before ultimately having to face his teammates with the humiliation of knowing he had been playing with an _alien on his face_ . That explained why Oikawa and Kuroo had been giggling the entire practice. He swore at his teammates and coach too, annoyed at the fact that no one had thought to inform him of the fact that _there was a fucking alien on his face._

Once most of the black had been rubbed off, Iwaizumi exited the washroom and searched for the culprit of the mess on his face, and saw him stretching with Kuroo, still laughing. He stormed toward them, murder on his mind.

“Crappykawa!” He saw Oikawa’s face turn towards him, and the smile melted from his face. It was replaced with absolute _horror_ , and Oikawa jumped to hide behind Kuroo who also turned toward Iwaizumi, face white.

“Tetsu-chan! Save me!” Oikawa tried to cover his body with Kuroo’s, but Kuroo moved out of the way, slowly stepping to the side in fear of Iwaizumi. 

“Sorry Tooru, I’m out. I choose life.” Oikawa wailed and clung to Kuroo who was trying to escape in the other direction, until he felt the menacing presence behind him. He slowly turned and tried to smile in a placating way.

“H-hey Iwa-chan, you know it was just a joke right? I didn’t mean any harm, I swear!” He was trembling in his shoes, arms raised in surrender, and Iwaizumi could hear the rest of the team laughing behind him. He growled and was about to pounce on Oikawa until he heard his name called by the coach.

“Hey Iwaizumi, I’d like to talk to you for a minute if you don’t mind. The rest of you are dismissed.” 

He saw the relief on Oikawa’s face, and then decided that he deserved a bit more emotional torture. He mouthed “ _later”_ and immediately saw Oikawa pale. 

_Much better._

Iwaizumi turned around and walked toward the coach while everyone else slowly trudged out of the gym and into the changing rooms. He was a bit nervous as to why the coach had called him out, and tried to think of a reason that he may be in trouble. 

_Did I do anything wrong? I can’t remember being late to any practices, and I haven’t missed any either. My performance has been pretty good this week-_

“Iwaizumi-kun, have you noticed anything off about Oikawa this week?”

Iwaizumi jolted, and then relaxed knowing that he was not in trouble. But once he understood the question, he tensed up again.

“Oikawa?” He tried to recall Oikawa acting strange, but couldn’t think of anything that would warrant worry. “I haven’t noticed anything odd this week, but then again it’s hard to tell when something’s the matter with him.”

_He hides it too well._

The coach sighed and closed his eyes. There was clear worry on his face, and Iwaizumi started to feel a little bit of dread at what he was insinuating.

“Is there something wrong with Oikawa? I mean he’s been acting pretty normal, other than coming with me on my morning runs…”

“I’m not sure if it's just a slump, but Oikawa’s performance this week has been a bit weaker than normal. Usually he can pick himself up in a day or two, but it's lasted for at least six days. Earlier, he slipped and nearly fell while he was setting, which definitely isn’t normal.”

Iwaizumi had noticed that, but simply concluded that the floor was slippery and decided it wasn’t worth mentioning. But since the coach had brought it up, it started to make him a little bit concerned about Oikawa. 

“I can ask Oikawa and see if there’s been something bothering him.”

“Thank you, Iwaizumi-kun. Oh, also mention to him that he can take a few days off if he’s feeling too tired and that’s the reason for his performance. That kid works himself way too hard.”

“I will. Thank you, Coach.”

Iwaizumi hurried to the changing rooms in hopes of catching Oikawa, but upon entering, saw that no one was there. He sighed and got ready to take a shower before heading home.

_I’ll talk to him later tonight._

* * *

“Hey Oikawa, are you okay?”

They were sitting on the roof again. Oikawa loved to come up here. He always looked at the stars back home, and now that they had moved into an apartment with a roof, Oikawa had decided that stargazing would be their nightly ritual. He dragged Iwaizumi up there every night, no matter the weather or the day's events. Iwaizumi didn’t see the charm, but he grudgingly acknowledged that the view wasn’t bad. 

Even tonight, after that grueling practice, Oikawa still wanted to come. Nothing could stop him when he was determined. 

“Of course I’m okay Iwa-chan! Why the sudden question?” Iwaizumi glanced at Oikawa to see him with a blank expression, laced with a bit of confusion. His response felt genuine, and Iwaizumi concluded that he was being truthful.

_Maybe it’s just a fluke._

“Well, the coach was worried earlier, and was wondering if everything was fine. He said your performance had been a bit off, and you slipped while setting too.”

Oikawa furrowed his brows, and Iwaizumi could almost see the gears turning in his head. But then, Oikawa relaxed his face and looked at Iwaizumi with a smile.  
  


“The floor was just slippery. Don’t worry about me, Iwa-chan. And I’ll just practice a bit harder so that my performance improves.”

Iwaizumi grew worried at the last comment. Oikawa was already pushing himself hard. He practiced extra on the weekends after the team had left, hitting serve after serve over the net. Iwaizumi had just sat and watched him, until he decided that enough was enough. There was always some resistance, but Iwaizumi could usually convince Oikawa that he had to rest in order to function like a normal human being. It happened almost every weekend, and that was only when Iwaizumi was with him. He had no idea how much Oikawa practiced when he wasn’t around.

“Don’t push yourself too hard, Shittykawa. Coach also said that you can take a few days off if you need it. Nothing good comes out of you being hurt. I know we’re still first years on the team, but you’re already a starter.” 

Oikawa always managed to shine, even surrounded by other people who had more experience. The coach had taken one look at his setting and decided to make him the main setter. Iwaizumi could agree with his decision. There was something special about Oikawa’s sets. They managed to bring out the absolute best out of every single spiker, no matter who they were or how they hit. Oikawa always set at the perfect height and distance from the net, making them easier to hit past the blockers as well. They were as perfect as a set could get. 

“I’m perfectly fine as you can see, Iwa-chan. And don’t forget about yourself. The coach likes you a lot more than he lets on, and the playing time you get is nothing to sweat at.” Iwaizumi grunted in acknowledgement. “Anyways, it’s getting kind of cold, and I heard that it might snow tomorrow. Let’s go back down, yeah?”

Iwaizumi nodded, and stood up from the large square table that sat in the middle of the roof. He looked back at Oikawa who was standing up as well. He turned around to leave and started towards the door to the building.

_CRASH!_

Iwaizumi whirled around to see Oikawa lying on the ground, groaning. He raced over and tried to help him up, checking for injuries. When he couldn’t find any, he sighed in relief and glared at Oikawa. 

“Oi, what’s the matter? Why did you fall?”

“Sorry Iwa-chan, I just got a little dizzy. I think I stood up too fast.” He chuckled a little, but there was a flash of an emotion that Iwaizumi couldn't place that disappeared in a split second. He looked up at Iwaizumi with eyes that reflected the stars in the sky, and pouted. Iwaizumi had to resist the urge to touch those lips, to feel if they were as soft as they looked.

“Iwa-chan, do you mind carrying me back down? I think my legs are broken.” 

Iwaizumi dropped Oikawa who yelped at the sudden lack of assistance.

“Get up yourself, Crappykawa. You’re too heavy to be lugging down three flights of stairs.” 

Oikawa gasped. “Iwa-chan! That’s rude!”

Iwaizumi huffed a laugh as he entered the warm apartment building and left the stars and Oikawa behind. 

* * *

Practice in the morning was uneventful, which was perfectly fine to Iwaizumi. He kept an eye on Oikawa, just in case, but nothing seemed amiss. The coach looked at Iwaizumi questioningly, but he only shook his head.

_Must have been a false alarm._

* * *

The walk back to the apartment was silent, and Iwaizumi was concentrating on his feet instead of the person next to him. It was snowing, which was a bit rare in Tokyo during December. Iwaizumi didn’t really mind, as Oikawa seemed to like the snow. He said the stars looked prettier in the winter. 

Iwaizumi flinched. 

_Oh right, Oikawa._

After practice ended and they were in the changing room, Oikawa had started to act a little strangely. Usually they would banter around before showering and heading home, but Oikawa had seemed a bit withdrawn. He gave short, curt answers that screamed _“stay away”_ and was acting strangely. Iwaizumi couldn’t place what it was, but he decided that Oikawa needed space and tried not to be too overbearing. 

When they got to the apartment, Oikawa pushed passed him and entered, immediately going into his room without even glancing at Iwaizumi. There was a resounding slam, and Iwaizumi was left in the middle of the entranceway, confused and alone.

* * *

Oikawa pretended that everything was normal the next day. He woke up Iwaizumi with a grin on his face and jumped into his bed. Iwaizumi had tried to push him off, but he resisted and begged Iwaizumi for milk bread. 

“Iwa-chan, I’m hungry.” 

Iwaizumi growled, “Of course you would be. You went into your room last night without eating anything. Anyways, milk break at seven in the morning is not healthy. We can have a normal breakfast before going to school.”

He heard Oikawa continue to whine, but ignored him.

* * *

It happened while he was hitting. Iwaizumi was counting his steps as he approached to spike. 

_One, two, three-_

He saw Oikawa out of the peripheral of his eye. He slipped as his feet touched the ground after setting and fell to the ground. Iwaizumi landed without even swinging his arm, and ran toward him in a panic. The rest of the team rushed toward him as well, trying to figure out what went wrong and assess the damage.

Oikawa groaned in pain, and tried to sit up. He seemed fine, but this was Oikawa. He would pretend he was fine even if he wasn’t. 

“Oikawa, are you okay?” Iwaizumi tried to help him stand, inserting his arms under Oikawa’s and lifting him up. 

_Huh, he seems lighter than normal._

Oikawa chuckled awkwardly, and rubbed the back of his head. 

“Sorry, I think I slipped while landing. I’m fine everyone.” The team shared furtive glances, but decided not to mention it. They all told Oikawa to be more careful, and went back to their respective positions. 

Iwaizumi caught the glance of Kuroo, who eyed him with skepticism. 

_I’ll talk to him later._

Iwaizumi directed his attention back to Oikawa, who was now standing but looking down at the floor with a blush on his cheeks.

“Um, Iwa-chan, you mind?” He gestured to himself, and Iwaizumi realized that his arms were still around Oikawa, and he reeled away in embarrassment. 

“Be more careful, idiot.”

Oikawa smiled and laughed his beautiful laugh. “Iwa-chan is worried about me!” 

Iwaizumi couldn’t disagree.

* * *

“Alright, so explain.” 

Kuroo had cornered him after practice while everyone went back to the changing rooms. The coach had pulled Oikawa aside, wanting to talk to him. Iwaizumi looked at him with worry, but Oikawa simply smiled at him in reassurance. 

Iwaizumi stared at them now, having a serious conversation next to the net. The coach was shaking his head at something Oikawa was saying. It didn’t seem like an argument, but it wasn’t a friendly conversation either.

“Hello, earth to Iwaizumi.”

He whipped his back to Kuroo, and sighed. “Sorry, I’ve been preoccupied lately.”

“Staring at Oikawa? I know he’s an oblivious bastard in anything that concerns him, but he’ll find out.”

Iwaizumi looked at confusion toward Kuroo. 

“Find what out?” 

Kuroo stared at him flabbergasted. 

“That you—oh nevermind, the two of you will figure it out sooner or later. Anyway, what’s up with Tooru? He’s messing up a lot more than he usually does, and I can understand that it happens, but it’s not just volleyball. He acts...weird sometimes. Like he’s a different person. The other day in class, I sat down next to him in economics, but he ignored me and acted like I didn’t exist.”

Iwaizumi furrowed his eyebrows, and tried to process what Kuroo was saying. Oikawa had been acting a bit differently, but the only time that stood out to him was that day when he had just disassociated and locked himself in his room. Although, it seemed like he was eating a bit less than he usually did. Whenever Iwaizumi had called Oikawa after making dinner, he often responded that he had eaten earlier before practice or would eat later. But Iwaizumi knew he was lying. He could tell. 

_Maybe he’s just been feeling unwell for a few days and doesn’t have an appetite._

Iwaizumi had been slightly worried, but decided he would wait for a little longer to confront Oikawa about it. 

“He has been acting a little weirdly, but the only time it was serious was a few days ago. He hasn't been eating much in the past few days, and I’ve been hesitant to bring it up with him. I decided I would wait for a little bit more to see if it continues. He seemed fine for a while though. Do you think something’s wrong?”

Kuroo’s cat eyes closed as he was thinking. His black hair was wet and stuck at odd angles, even more so than his normal bedhead. There was a shadow on his face from the sun shining through the window, and it made his features seem elegant and sharper. 

After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and sighed in resignation. “I’m not sure there’s much we can do right now, but if this keeps up we might have to do something. Convince him to see a doctor or check up on him. Just...keep an eye on him Iwaizumi.” 

With that, Kuroo turned and left the gym, leaving Iwaizumi to wallow in his own worry and confusion.

* * *

“Coach wants me to see a doctor.”

Iwaizumi stopped and stared as Oikawa continued to walk. He trudged through the leaves that littered the ground, brown hair ruffled from the wind with his practice bag slung over his shoulder. All the snow had melted, and only puddles remained as evidence that the white crystals had even existed.

“What?”

“You heard me. He wants me to see a doctor. Won’t let me play unless he knows that I’m fine, and he told me to take you with me, so that I won’t be able to lie about it.” 

Iwaizumi’s breath stuttered, and he felt a sense of fear settle on his bones.

_Is it that serious? What if it’s something terrible? I wouldn’t know what to do if-_

“Hey, Iwa-chan? Are you okay?” 

He felt himself snap back into his body, and realized that he had been looking down and breathing in rapid breaths. He raised his head to see Oikawa a few steps away, staring at him with worry. 

He sighed and brushed a hand through his messy hair. “I’m fine. I’m more worried about you. How are you really feeling? Do you think it’s bad enough for a visit to the hospital?”

He could see Oikawa consider his question, and desperately hoped for an answer that wouldn’t feed the dread that was festering in him. 

“In all honesty, I think I’m fine. I don’t really know why everyone is so worried.”

Iwaizumi wanted to feel relieved, but he knew this was Oikawa he was talking to. He didn’t want to take the risk, so he blurted out his answer before he could think better of it. 

“Let’s go tomorrow.”

* * *

Iwaizumi hated hospitals. The smell of alcohol and cleaning supplies always made him feel sick. It smelled like death. 

Oikawa had left with the doctor a bit earlier to talk about his conditions, and had left Iwaizumi in the waiting room with a cup of bitter coffee and a promise to be quick. Needless to say, Iwaizumi threw the coffee out because hospital coffee was disgusting. He was also questioning his own sanity as it had already been two hours since Oikawa had left, and he didn’t know if he could stand waiting in the hospital anymore. 

There was an elderly man sitting in front of him, a red jacket fit tightly around him with a cane resting next to his brown shoes. His eyes were closed and there was a sense of peace that rested across his weathered face. He looked like he was sleeping. He looked like he was dead. 

Iwaizumi shifted his gaze to the woman on the left. She was dressed in formal attire, with a white dress shirt and a gray skirt, the matching top resting on the arm rest. She was glancing at a magazine while trying to mask her anxiety, but her leg was bouncing up and down betraying her true emotions. 

Office staff were walking around in a hurry, some running up the stairs when their pager rang, but mostly it was calm. An hour after Oikawa had left, Iwaizumi observed that almost all the doctors were getting phone calls, and even though he couldn’t hear what they heard, he felt excitement ripple throughout the staff.

He saw a flash of teal to his right, and looked over to see Oikawa talking to the receptionist. It seemed like he was trying to explain something to her, and she nodded and looked back to the computer. His gray jacket fell over his figure, and the jeans he wore underneath were slightly more baggy than Iwaizumi realized. The scarf that Iwaizumi had gifted him was wrapped around his neck, and a pair of glasses rested on his nose. He soon turned around and headed back to where Iwaizumi was sitting.

“Hey, how’d it go?” Iwaizumi asked. 

“I’m perfectly fine, Iwa-chan! The doctor said there’s nothing wrong with me, except maybe lack of sleep.” Oikawa looked down sheepishly and Iwaizumi felt relief at the news. 

“Of course it’s lack of sleep, Shittykawa. Now I’m going to have to monitor you closely to make sure you’re not practicing too much _and_ getting enough sleep.”

Oikawa looked at him in horror. “Iwa-chan! I am not a child!”

Iwaizumi simply looked at him and deadpanned. “Could have fooled me.”

There were more protests from Oikawa, and Iwaizumi felt his lips turn up into a smile. 

“Whatever. Let’s go get milk bread.”

The smile that Oikawa sent could have lit up the world.

* * *

It was Christmas. Iwaizumi had woken up to a hyper Oikawa and a colorful box shoved in his face. 

“Iwa-chan! It’s Christmas! Open the present I got for you!” 

Iwaizumi groaned, and tried to roll over in his bed, pulling the sheets over his head. 

“It’s too early for this, Shittykawa. Give me a few more hours before I have to handle all your energy.” 

He heard a sound of discontent from the side of his bed, until it went silent. Unnaturally silent. 

Oikawa wasn’t normally that quiet. It either meant he was mad or dead. Iwaizumi didn’t want to have to deal with either.

“Oh my god, okay, I’m up.” 

Iwaizumi flung the sheets off his face and sat up in bed. Oikawa was sitting on the floor, holding the box in his lap and watching Iwaizumi. His face lit up into a smile, and Iwaizumi felt himself going soft at the pure show of joy on Oikawa’s expression. He lifted up the box, and placed it in Iwaizumi’s hands. 

“Merry Christmas, Iwa-chan.”

The wrapping had volleyballs on it. They were scattered all over, a bright mess of blue and yellow hues. The background was white with sparkles and random candy canes that were definitely not appropriate for the theme. The box wasn’t too big, but it wasn’t small either. In fact, it was the perfect size to be—

“Shittykawa, you did not.” 

Oikawa only giggled, “Of course I did, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi tore off the gaudy wrapper, and opening the box, he saw a shiny new pair of volleyball shoes. They were the exact style and color he had been looking at the other day. His were getting a little old, and he had been thinking of replacing them soom. There was no way Oikawa had known what he wanted without going through his browser history. 

_That little shit._

He looked up, and found himself peering into large, expectant eyes. They were so warm and soft, that all his annoyance melted away and was replaced with contentment. 

Oikawa was still dressed in his classic alien sweater, hair messy and sticking up weird places. His face was flushed, and it was clear that he had rushed to Iwaizumi’s room as soon as his eyes had opened. Iwaizumi didn’t know if that fact was supposed to make him happy or embarrassed. 

“I-Thank you, Oikawa. It’s perfect.” The face beamed at him, and then Oikawa was getting up to leave the room. “Wait!” 

Oikawa stopped and glanced back. “What is it, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi got up off of his bed, and walked to his closet. He opened the door and stopped to pick up the box he had hidden in there the night before. It was wrapped in a more appropriate paper of snowflakes and snowmen. When Oikawa saw the gift he was holding in his hands, his face softened, but seemed slightly surprised. 

“You got me a gift?”

Iwaizumi could only scoff, “Of course I did, dumbass. You think I would forget to get you something?”

He padded over to Oikawa, who was still awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, rubbing the back of his neck.  
  


“I mean, I wasn’t sure so I just didn’t expect anything.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, and shoved the box into Oikawa’s chest. 

“Whatever, Shittykawa. Merry Christmas.”

It was slightly disturbing how their brains had almost worked in sync, because Iwaizumi had gotten Oikawa volleyball shoes as well. They had been passing a sporting goods store, and he had seen Oikawa’s gaze land on a beautiful pair of teal sneakers. Iwaizumi pretended not to notice, but in his head he had engraved the name of the store and the exact shoes that Oikawa had been looking at. 

He saw those beautiful brown eyes sparkle as they stared down at the shows in the box. They then lifted to meet his gaze, and he gave a sharp inhale when they made contact. 

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

* * *

The lights glittered on the trees as they were walking through the nearby park after having a breakfast of rice and milk bread. Iwaizumi did not approve of eating the sweet treat so early in the morning, especially because Oikawa’s version of milk bread was made almost entirely of sugar, but it was Christmas and he decided to let Oikawa off the hook just this once. 

It had snowed the night before, and the soft petals of ice littered the ground and branches, turning the entire world a stunning white. Children laughed and ran around the snow, throwing bunches of snow they rolled into balls and sprinting off before being hit in return. Everything smelled fresh and cold, the crisp chilly air burning the tip of Iwaizumi’s nose before he buried his face into the brown scarf that hung around his neck. 

Oikawa was walking beside him, staring up into the sky and the clouds. There was something appealing about watching the way his head tilted up, revealing the sharp jawline and pale neck underneath the collar of Oikawa’s green turtleneck. Iwaizumi had no idea how the color green could look attractive on anyone, but this was Oikawa. Everything looked good on him. 

He huffed, letting the breath from his mouth fog up the space in front of his face. It wasn’t cold enough that he felt the need to run into shelter, but there was still a frigidness in the air that had him seeking the warmth of his bed. Maybe a cup of hot chocolate wouldn’t be bad either. 

“Cold, Iwa-chan?” The voice in his ear made him start, and he sunk deeper into the confines of his scarf. 

“No.”

“Aww, don’t lie to me. I can always tell when you’re lying.”

“Well, obviously you can’t because I just said I wasn’t cold.”

There was a chortle, and he felt his heart skip a beat in his chest. Snowflakes had made their home in Oikawa’s hair, and they stood stark against the brown locks that were starting to look a little wet. His eyes were crinkled in mirth, and there was a flush in his cheeks that looked like light dustings of fairy dust. 

“No need to get so defensive, Iwa-chan. Let’s go back and watch the new Star Wars movie! I’ve been dying to see it since it got out of theatres!”

“Fine, but no more milk bread.”

Groans followed his steps back to the apartment. 

* * *

**January**

“Hey Iwa-chan, do you know the legend that if you die, you become a star?” 

They were on the rooftop again, a blanket spread out on the table. It was January and there had been a heavy snowfall the night before. It was cold, but Iwaizumi had humored Oikawa in his desperate plea to see the stars. 

“Your soul flies to the sky and there’s a place for you to stay. Everyone has their own spot that's been reserved for them since the moment they’re born, and the galaxy reaches out forever to hold every single person. You stay up there to watch over everyone else forever.” Oikawa turned his head and looked into Iwaizumi’s eyes. “I bet there’s someone up there watching us right now.” 

Oikawa gazed back up into the vast expanse of space, and the sides of his lips turned up into a smile. He closed his eyes, and his face relaxed to show contentment. Iwaizumi used the moment to admire Oikawa’s face. The sharp planes of his cheekbones, the dark eyelashes that rest gently against his skin. Short, brown hair fell on his face, covering his forehead and the lips that stretched when he smiled. 

Then Oikawa opened his eyes, and there in his eyes, were the very stars that he dreamt of. He turned his head to face Iwaizumi, and smiled. 

“When I die, I want to become a star. I want to burn so bright that the whole world will notice me. They’ll look at me and remember. Remember the person I was, and what I _will_ be. Maybe then they’ll be able to see me for the person I really am.” He looked up to the stars again, and Iwaizumi was filled with a peace that he could only feel with Oikawa. 

“You’re not dying anytime soon, are you Shittykawa?” 

Oikawa laughed his beautiful laugh. It was an addicting sound, and all Iwaizumi wanted was to hear that laugh for the rest of his life.

“Of course I’m not Iwa-chan! I have to keep playing volleyball, and then make it on the olympic team. That’s my dream. I’m gonna play for the entire country, and win.” His eyes filled with determination, and Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa was willing to do anything in order to achieve that dream. Practice for hours on end, even on days when others would rest, and wouldn’t stop until he won. 

But there was always something in Oikawa that Iwaizumi could see. There was something in his determination that would kill him. 

Oikawa would never be happy. He would never be satisfied. He could win games, play in the olympics, and be called the best setter in the country, but that wouldn’t be enough to satiate him. It worried Iwaizumi, but there wasn’t much that he could say against Oikawa’s stubbornness. 

“Yeah, and I’ll be there to watch you every step of the way.”

* * *

_New message._

From: Shittykawa (sent January 12th at 4:56 p.m.)

[ _Hey Iwa-chan, I’m gonna be out for the day. Don’t miss me too much! <3 _]

Iwaizumi grumbled. “As if I would miss you, Shittykawa.”

* * *

“Hey Oikawa, I made some soup. Do you want any?”

“I’m good.”

That was the third time in a week that Oikawa had rejected Iwaizumi’s offer to eat together. Every day, he had said that he wasn’t hungry, or had eaten earlier. It was something that irked Iwaizumi to no end, because he _knew_ Oikawa was lying. There was always a faint twitch of his eyebrow, or a pursing of his lips that gave him away. But Iwaizumi didn’t want to pressure him, because he knew that the more he would press, the farther Oikawa would retreat. 

Days chatting over meals turned into awkward silences while Iwaizumi was eating and Oikawa cooped himself up in his room. The only time he willingly talked to Iwaizumi was during volleyball practice, and even then he mainly kept to himself. The cheerful smiles and encouraging pats on the back turned into small nods of affirmation or a simple glance in his direction. He knew his teammates noticed there was something going on, but they didn’t try to pry, which Iwaizumi was thankful for. In reality, he didn’t even understand why Oikawa was acting so distant. 

There was a feeling in the pit of Iwaizumi’s stomach, and he knew that something was wrong, but he couldn’t place where the worry was from. It wasn’t often that Oikawa had withdrawn from everyone, but it had happened before. 

During middle school, Oikawa had completely isolated himself after Kageyama had joined the volleyball team. Everyone had been talking about how much of a genius he was, and his potential to become the greatest setter anyone had ever seen. Iwaizumi could see Oikawa slowly self-destruct on himself as Kageyama kept asking him questions about improving his serves and sets. 

He had walked in on Oikawa practicing serves long after practice had ended, and had to physically drag him out of the gym in order to make him rest. Oikawa had been silent the whole walk home, and refused to meet Iwaizumi’s gaze. After that night, Iwaizumi made sure to keep a sharp eye on Oikawa, and refused him to stay later after practice in fear that he would hurt himself. 

This seemed like a repeat of their middle school years, and Iwaizumi didn’t know what the trigger was. But this time, he wouldn’t stand around and watch as the most important person in his life started to withdraw from everything around him.

* * *

“Shittykawa, we need to talk.”

“About what, Iwa-chan?”

“You.”

Surprise flitted across Oikawa’s face, until it disappeared under a mask of calm. Iwaizumi clicked his tongue in irritation. He _hated_ it when Oikawa tried to hide his emotions under those fake expressions that he thought were fooling anyone. They weren’t.

“I don't understand, Iwa-chan. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yes there is. Why are you acting so distant these days? You ignore me when I try to talk to you, and every single day you lock yourself in your room and don’t come out until the next day. Did something happen?”

There was a flash of emotion that Iwaizumi couldn’t place but was quickly replaced by a slight upturn of his lips. 

“I’m fine, Iwa-chan.”

Oikawa was smiling, but it wasn’t his smile. It wasn’t the smile that Iwaizumi had grown to adore over the years they had grown up together. It wasn’t the smile that seemed to brighten the entire room, and filled Iwaizumi with a sense of calm. It wasn’t Oikawa’s smile. 

“Stop it, Oikawa! I know you’re not fine, and I need to know why.”

Oikawa’s expression hardened. He twisted his chair so that his back was facing Iwaizumi, and he sat silently in front of his desk.

_I screwed up._

Before Iwaizumi could apologize, Oikawa started to move around. He opened a drawer, and pulled out a bottle of what seemed to be medication. Turning around, he shoved it into Iwaizumi’s hands, looking at the floor. 

Iwaizumi held it up to see the name. 

_Prozac? Isn’t that—_

“I got diagnosed with depression. A couple weeks ago, at the hospital. I didn’t know what to tell you, so I just kept it a secret. That’s why I’ve been leaving the house without telling you where I was going. I needed refills.”

There was a rush of blood to his head, and Iwaizumi was trying to process the information. 

_Depression? But he’s always so happy, I never would have thought Oikawa would have depression._

Iwaizumi cringed at how cliché his thought was.

He wasn’t surprised that Oikawa tried to hide the fact that he was diagnosed with a mental illness. It sounded just like something he would do.

“Oikawa, why didn’t you say anything? You think I would criticize you for something like this?”

He was slightly hurt at the fact that Oikawa didn’t trust him enough to tell him this information, but he didn't judge him either. He knew that Oikawa had always tried to show others that he was perfect, and refused to show weakness. If others knew about this, his whole facade could come tumbling down around him. 

There was no reply, but Iwaizumi knew the answer. He slowly walked up towards Oikawa and knelt before him, lifting his chin so that those eyes were looking straight at him.

“Never, Tooru. I would never judge you for this, okay?”

He waited. He waited as Oikawa started trembling, tears slowly gliding down his cheeks. He waited until Oikawa wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi and sobbed into his neck. His own wrapped around those broad shoulders and whispered comforting words. 

He waited for Oikawa to come back to him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**February**

The next few weeks dragged without much happening. Oikawa seemed to return to normal, and except for a few clumsy mistakes, his performance got better and he didn’t act differently either. He started to join Iwaizumi for dinner again, and the awkward silences reverted back to loud conversations and arguments that Iwaizumi had missed.

He kept Oikawa’s secret, respecting his decision to not tell his teammates. Although he did inform the coach because Iwaizumi had argued that he deserved to know and would be able to accommodate Oikawa if something happened. There had been some groaning and whining, but Oikawa agreed. 

“Iwa-chan!” Iwaizumi heard Oikawa call, and he started his approach. He saw the ball sailing towards him and he knew it was another perfect set. 

_Smack!_

The sound of the ball hitting the floor resonated through the gym. He smiled, the feel of the ball tingling on his hand. He looked to see Oikawa grinning in absolute ecstasy. The hours of running, the countless practices, nothing could ever compare to the freedom of flying through the air and being able to hit the ball through the hands of blockers and scoring a point. Nothing could compare to the pride Oikawa would show when Iwazumi made a successful spike. Nothing compared to joy he felt playing volleyball.

_I love volleyball._

* * *

It was during class when Iwaizumi got the call. It rang loudly, and the lecturer had glared at Iwaizumi. He apologized and silenced his phone, but it continued to ring. Unable to ignore the constant vibration against his leg, Iwaizumi pulled his phone out to see the caller.

_From: University of Tokyo Hospital_

Iwaizumi looked at the I.D. in confusion. He didn’t remember ever giving them his number, and there was no reason for them to contact him at this point in time. 

_Huh. I wonder if they got the wrong number._

Iwaizumi muttered an apology as he left the room. He walked out to the hallway and accepted the call. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Iwaizumi Hajime, the emergency contact of Oikawa Tooru?” The words took a moment to process through his brain, and Iwaizumi tried to decipher their meaning. 

_Emergency contact? I’m Shittykawa’s emergency contact?_

Suddenly, he felt worry spike, and he felt his heart beat faster in his chest. “Yes I am. Is everything alright? Is Shi-Oikawa alright?” 

The operator paused for a minute, and then continued, “I’m afraid you’ll have to come and see for yourself, Iwaizumi-san. When you arrive at the hospital, please inform the receptionist of your name and who you are here to see.”

The call ended, and all Iwaizumi could feel was panic as he raced out of the school and ran toward the hospital. 

* * *

He rushed through the automatic doors, reaching to the receptionist desk before stopping and panting. Everyone in the room looked at him with confusion, but he ignored their speculative glances. 

“Hi, my name is Iwaizumi Hajime and I’m here to see Oikawa Tooru?” The receptionist nodded, and immediately seemed to know who he was and the reason for his visit. Every single doctor and nurse turned their heads toward him, and he could feel their gazes boring a hole into his skull.

_Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong._

“Oikawa Tooru is in room 241. Please go down that hallway and take a right to reach his room.”

Iwaizumi thanked her and then rushed to find the room he was directed to. He didn’t run, because he was in a hospital, and he knew better to run in a building with people who were sick. 

He rounded the corner to come face to face with a room with large letters. _241._ He took a deep breath and opened the door. 

Oikawa was lying on a bed, dressed in a white hospital gown with small pink flowers on the fabric. He had his eyes closed, and Iwaizumi panicked for a moment, thinking he was dead. He ran to the edge of the bed and held Oikawa’s hand, only feeling that it was warm after a few moments of contact. He calmed himself enough to see that Oikawa’s chest was rising, and realized that he was just sleeping.

“Iwaizumi Hajime-san?”

Iwaizumi whipped his head around to see a doctor standing at the doorway, clipboard in hand and a stethoscope around his neck. There were a few pens in his pocket and the hospital insignia was embroidered above it, with the name of the doctor. 

_Dr. Hideyoshi Juurou._

“Yes, thats me.” Iwaizumi replied. The doctor sighed, and indicated for him to step out of the room. He followed the doctor, who shut the door behind him. 

“I have been told about the confusion of your arrival, and assume that Oikawa-san has not informed you of the situation?”

Iwaizumi could feel the dread rising in his throat. There was something grabbing at his heart and squeezing. 

Iwaizumi whispered, “What situation.” His heart was beating faster, and he struggled to get air into his lungs. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling, until it hit him. 

_Fear._

The doctor looked down to his clipboard, and his expression hardened. It scared Iwaizumi. 

“From what I can determine, you are not the immediate family of Oikawa-san?” Iwaizumi could only nod his head. “This does make things more complicated, as the current information is classified, but you are his emergency contact and the person he said to tell about his condition if it ever came to it.”

Iwaizumi tried to get his vocal cords to cooperate, and muttered out a gargled “Classified? Condition?” Nothing was making sense. Everything was happening too fast. Why was Oikawa in the hospital? Why would he have Iwaizumi as his emergency contact?

The doctor continued, cutting through Iwaizumi’s internal panic. “Even though this goes against regular hospital protocols, you are the only one we can inform of the reason behind his admittance, and the board has agreed to let you know of what is going on.”

There were many thoughts running through Iwaizumi’s mind, but his main priority was to understand what was wrong with Oikawa. 

“Is he sick? Is there something wrong? I thought he was fine. I know he has depression, but isn’t that it?”

The doctor grimaced, “I’m afraid that Oikawa-san is not fine. He has been diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.” 

At Iwaizumi’s confused expression, the doctor continued. “It’s an incredibly rare disease, and only one or two people in every million are diagnosed with it each year. Unfortunately, there is currently no cure, and all cases have proved fatal.”

Iwaizumi felt his world stop. Time stopped. His heart stopped.

_No, no, no. This is not happening._

“What? All...all cases are fatal? And what do you mean there’s no cure?” Iwaizumi felt his panic rising. “What do you mean THERE’S NO CURE?”

The doctor flinched, but stood still and tried to explain the situation. “I’m sorry, but there is currently no cure for CJD. Oikawa-san has what we call sporadic CJD. It is extremely rare for someone to be diagnosed with it at this age, as it normally appears in patients around 60-65 years old. 

That only served to remind Iwaizumi of how young Oikawa was. 20 years old, fresh out of high school and attending university. There was still life in his eyes, and youth in his bones. 

“Sporadic CJD is a random occurrence, and could not be prevented by any type of medicine or health practice. It manifests because of an infectious protein called a prion. They accumulate to cause irreversible damage to the brain. They cannot be killed by heat or radiation, and antibiotics and other medicine have no effect either.”

Iwaizumi felt his lungs constrict, and his diaphragm refused to move. There was no way this was happening. Not to Oikawa. 

“N-no you don’t understand. This shouldn’t be happening. It shouldn’t happen at all, and not to Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi felt tears prick at his eyes. “No, no, NO. Do you understand what you’re saying? Can’t you fix him? There has to be something you can do. Aren’t you people doctors? Aren’t you supposed to help him? 

He couldn’t understand. He wouldn’t understand. 

_Why? Why him? Even I would have been better. But Tooru?_

“I’m incredibly sorry to inform you of this, but I would estimate that Oikawa-san has about four months to live. He had already been diagnosed with it around two months ago-” 

Iwaizumi interrupted him, “What do you mean he’s already been diagnosed?”

The doctor just shook his head sadly, “He was diagnosed back in December when he arrived for a check-up. Patients with CJD generally live for around six months before they...die.”

_Die. Tooru is going to die._

Iwaizumi couldn’t process that information. How could Tooru, the one person who had stuck with him for his entire life, simply vanish? And in four months? Did the heavens have a sick sense of humour where they wanted to take a life simply for their enjoyment? Iwaizumi didn’t know. He never believed in a religion, but he acknowledged that there must have been some greater force out there. And he cursed them.

  
Then the doctor's words hit him.

“He...he was diagnosed in December? That was when I...I came with him to the hospital. He told me he had been diagnosed with depression, not this...disease.”

Iwaizumi couldn’t believe this. Oikawa had lied? He had kept this a secret all this time? That he was going to die?

“Again, I am sorry for telling you this news right now, but Oikawa-san had wanted to keep it a secret for as long as possible. However, he recently collapsed and it seems that the disease is progressing faster than it should. Even our rough estimate is not definite as based on the progression, his lifespan may either be shorter or longer.”

Iwaizumi stared forward at the white hospital wall. It was blinding, and the white was starting to hurt his eyes. He felt dizzy and the smell of chemicals was only making it worse. Iwaizumi felt his strength leave, and he crumpled to the ground. 

“Iwaizumi-san!” The doctor tried to catch him but Iwaizumi’s knees hit the floor with a resounding _thud_. He shivered and felt the overwhelming urge to scream. He wanted to cry, yell, _rage_ until someone acknowledged his pain. Until someone acknowledged that Oikawa was going to _die._ He could vaguely hear the doctor trying to talk to him, but it intermingled with the roaring in his ears. 

_Tooru is going to die._

Then he felt a reassuring hand on his back. It was a familiar one; long slender fingers running lines across his back, tracing along his shoulder blades in an attempt to comfort. How many times had those hands touched him? Provided him comfort when it felt like everything was crumbling around him? How many times had he reached out to grab those hands when he was feeling anxious or nervous?

Those hands brought him back, and he looked up to see Oikawa with tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan.”

* * *

The doctor informed Iwaizumi that Oikawa had requested to stay at home instead of at the hospital. Something about “ _not wanting to live the last months of his life in a cot”_ and Iwaizumi numbingly agreed. It would be better for Oikawa to stay at home where Iwaizumi could take care of him. _If_ he could take care of him. 

The doctor was listing out some symptoms that would start to show as the disease progressed, and how to help Oikawa so he wouldn’t feel as much pain. He heard some mentions of _“depression”_ and _“personality changes.”_ But Iwaizumi already knew that. Oikawa had told him half the truth. 

The part that didn’t hurt as much. 

“Even in the early stages, there will be incoordination in his movements, and possibly hallucinations. As the disease moves on, symptoms become more dangerous. There will be severe memory loss, and evidence of aggressive behaviour. Try to calm Oikawa-san down when this happens, so that he will not injure himself. Neurological symptoms can include loss of physical coordination, so he will not be able to walk or move around. Muscle spasms are common, and we can prescribe some painkillers for when those happen.”

_Tooru is going to die._

“Loss in bladder and bowel control usually happens during the later stages, and we highly recommend that you bring him back to the hospital when that occurs. Although Oikawa-san has wished to remain at home, we believe that towards the later stages that it is far safer and easier for him to be at the hospital. I’m sure it will also be easier for you as taking care of him will require immense effort. We recommend that from now on, Oikawa-san does not partake in any heavy activity, although short walks outside may be beneficial as long as he is strong enough to leave the house.”

_Tooru is going to die._

Iwaizumi tried to shove all the information into his memory amidst the pounding of his brain, but forgot what the doctor had said in roughly five seconds. He asked him to write it down on a sheet to take home. 

Oikawa had gone back into the room when the doctor had started to list symptoms, and Iwaizumi couldn’t blame him. Nobody would want to hear of all that happening to themselves if they could. 

Once all the information and prescriptions for medication had been traded, Iwaizumi numbingly thanked the doctor and entered Oikawa’s room. He had changed out of his hospital gown, and instead was wearing a black jacket over a white shirt with jeans and red converse shoes. If Iwaizumi concentrated, he could see how the jacket hung a bit more loosely around Oikawa’s shoulders, and the jeans didn’t hug his legs exactly the same as it used to. He had thought Oikawa was getting better.

Oikawa turned around, and smiled when Iwaizumi walked up to him. He moved his eyes back towards the window and gazed out into the sky. It was now evening, and the sun had set a long time ago. 

Iwaizumi simply stared at Oikawa, who continued to peer out into the darkness.

“The stars are beautiful tonight, Iwa-chan.”

* * *

The next day, Iwaizumi dragged himself from bed and tried to make himself presentable. He had morning practice, and decided to go and tell the coach of what was happening. He didn’t think he would attend practice.

_Tooru is going to die._

* * *

He slowly trudged into the gym, and the rest of his teammates crowded around him.

“Where were you yesterday afternoon, Iwaizumi?”

“Are you okay? What happened?”

Then it came. 

“Where’s Oikawa?”

It took all of Iwaizumi’s strength not to fall to the floor and start sobbing. He glanced up and met eyes with Kuroo, who looked worried and angry at the same time. Iwaizumi croaked out a rough “Coach” and someone ran off to get him. However, the coach had already started to walk towards the commotion, and seeing the look on Iwaizumi’s face, he immediately understood.

“The rest of you go warm up.”

The team reluctantly left, but Kuroo stayed behind and Iwaizumi didn’t care. He didn’t care about much at this point, and the coach didn’t say anything either.

“Iwaizumi-kun, do you mind telling us what happened?”

And Iwaizumi did, and he could see the exact moment when their hearts broke.

* * *

Iwaizumi walked into the apartment and took off his shoes. He had just gotten back from telling the coach, and then he had stopped by a pharmacy to pick up the medication for Oikawa. There had been so much. Enough that he needed a bag to carry all of them. There were ones for depression, anxiety, and every other mental illness that existed in the medical world. Those had to be taken daily, and Iwaizumi already knew that there would be fights and arguments. Others were painkillers for muscle spasms, and some were relaxants for when Oikawa would get aggressive. 

Iwaizumi put the mediation in a cupboard above the sink and locked it, just in case Oikawa would try to make any stupid choices. He then rummaged through the fridge, seeing if there was anything he could cook so that he could feed Oikawa. The doctors said that appetite loss and difficulty eating were common, so he wanted to make sure he was feeding Oikawa as much as he could. 

Iwaizumi slammed his fist on the table, suddenly filled with rage. 

_Why hadn’t I noticed? I should have known it wasn’t just depression. There was something else going on. I should have asked him. I could have helped him. I could have-_

“Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi turned to see Oikawa staring at him with those gorgeous brown eyes. Even though his face had shrunken, those eyes were still the same as they always had been. 

They still shone with the memories of the stars. 

“Hey, Shi-Tooru.” Iwaizumi looked down regretfully at his feet. He really should stop calling Oikawa that. He couldn’t even remember when it had started. It had just popped out of his mouth one day and seemed to stick.

He saw another pair of feet approach his, and looked up to see Oikawa peering sadly into his face. 

“I-I’m sorry Iwa-chan. I’m placing this huge burden on you, and I know you probably don’t want to do this. It’s for my own selfish reasons-”

“No.” Iwaizumi stopped Oikawa right in his tracks. “No, Tooru, no. It’s not a burden okay? I want to do this for you. Don’t worry about it.” 

Iwaizumi saw tears slowly fill his eyes, and Oikawa slowly raised his arms, but stayed where he was.

“Iwa-chan, c-can I-” Oikawa couldn’t say anything else, as Iwaizumi had pulled him into his arms and wrapped them around him. 

“Of course, Tooru.” He felt the exact moment Oikawa broke, and suddenly there were shuddering sobs running through his body, and he had to support the weight of two people. He felt Oikawa’s arms wrap around his body, and those beautiful hands rested themselves on his waist. He stood. And waited. Waited until Oikawa’s sobs became quite whimpering and his trembling turned into nothing. 

_He’s been holding onto the news that he’s dying for two months. Two whole months._

Oikawa pulled away, and Iwaizumi missed the warmth he felt with Oikawa in his arms. He looked so thin and fragile, standing there in his alien pajamas and fluffy socks. 

“Are you hungry?” Iwaizumi asked, breaking the silence. “Do you want me to make you something to eat?” 

Oikawa only shook his head. “I’m not really hungry. But, I was wondering, can we maybe watch Star Trek together?” He shyly looked up, and Iwaizumi couldn’t do anything but nod.

“Yeah,” he croaked, “Let's do that.”

* * *

The next few days passed by in a blur. Iwaizumi didn’t attend practice or classes, and he knew that the teachers and the coach understood. They let him take as much time off as he needed, and told him he would be welcome again whenever he decided to come back. Iwaizumi was grateful for their support. It meant the world to him. 

He had spent the majority of the week watching Star Trek with Oikawa, or simply staring at him while he slept. 

“That’s creepy Iwa-chan!” Oikawa had exclaimed when he had woken up one day to see Iwaizumi next to his bed, but didn’t say anything against it. He understood why. 

Sleep would become something precious to Oikawa in the future.

* * *

One day, Iwaizumi had walked in on Oikawa writing something on a sticky note. He had hurriedly hid it in a drawer before turning around and beaming at him. Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Oikawa had his secrets, and it wasn’t his place to question them. 

* * *

“Iwa-channnn. I’m so bored.”

Oikawa was fidgeting on the couch, and it was starting to get on Iwaizumi’s nerves. They had finished watching Star Trek for the umpteenth time, and Oikawa had slowly lost interest in the series. 

Iwaizumi turned to face him. “Well, what do you want to do?”

Oikawa looked down and bit his lip. “I know the doctor said I shouldn’t do any strenuous activity but...can we play volleyball? 

Iwaizumi was taken by surprise, but then smacked himself. Of _course_ Oikawa asked to play volleyball. His entire life revolved around the sport, and it had suddenly been taken away from him in a moment’s notice. He knew the doctors had said not to let Oikawa do anything too harsh, but his pleading eyes and pouting lips were all it took for Iwaizumi’s walls to crumble. 

“Fine, but no jumping. You can only set if your two feet are planted on the ground, all right?”

He saw Oikawa’s face light up, and he knew. 

_It’s worth risking this to see that smile on his face._

* * *

They walked into the gym to find the coach sitting on bleachers, looking at a whiteboard with a complicated expression on his face. 

“Coach!” Oikawa raced towards him, and the coach turned around in surprise at the person that was barrelling towards him. 

“Oikawa? What are you doing here? Iwaizumi?”

Oikawa giggled and flung himself at the coach. He clearly had no sense of personal space, but the coach didn’t seem to mind too much, even though he should have. 

“Iwa-chan said I could come play volleyball for a bit.” Iwaizumi froze at the look the coach gave him, but Oikawa continued. “He said I could set only if I keep my feet on the floor.”

The coach gave a resigned sigh, “I guess nothing can keep you from volleyball, huh?” 

Oikawa beamed, “Of course! Volleyball is my life!” His face fell for a moment, but Oikawa immediately hid it underneath another smile. “That’s alright with you, right?”

The coach looked at the pleading expression on Oikawa’s face, and could only give a nod. 

“Yes, but be careful please.”

Oikawa whooped, before dragging Iwaizumi to the changing rooms. 

* * *

_Smack!_

Iwaizumi hit his 15th spike of the day, and looked over to Oikawa. He was dripping with sweat, but the exhilaration on his face showed that he didn’t care. Every single set had been perfect. Even though he normally jumped, he compensated for the extra height with his legs, arms, and fingers. 

But it seemed the physical exercise was taking its toll. Oikawa was shaking and panting, his shoulders heaving and legs trembling.

“Oi, are you okay?” Iwaizumi was worried at seeing how tired Oikawa looked. His mind went back to the memories of the hospital where the doctor had been describing Oikawa’s illness. 

_“The illness will progress rapidly, and even a few days can make a big difference in how he may respond or how much he is able to move.”_

He realized that maybe Oikawa had pushed his limits, and immediately went over. 

“I think we should call it a day, Oikawa. You look tired.” 

Oikawa only looked up at him with determination in his eyes. “One more set. Just one more, please.”

And who was Iwaizumi to deny his request?

* * *

“Iwa-chan, do you think the stars can listen to prayers?”

It was nearing the end of February, and Oikawa had been feeling better so he decided he wanted to go to the roof to see the stars again. There had been a lot more stumbling and tripping, so Iwaizumi decided that it would be marginally safer for Oikawa to remain sitting. Although, that didn’t do much to stop Oikawa from trying to move around the house on his own. Usually he was fine, but there are still instances where he swayed around and clutched his head, looking for a place to hold onto. The dizziness seemed to be getting worse, but Oikawa pushed it away and tried to keep moving while hiding a grimace. 

They were lying on a blanket covering the large table, and Oikawa was staring up at the sky with an apathetic expression.

“Maybe.” Iwaizumi answered. “Aren’t you always raving on about how the stars are watching us?”

Oikawa chuckled, “They might be watching us, but I’m not sure if they can actually grant wishes or listen to our prayers. It’s possible they’re up there seeing people in pain, but can’t do anything to help.”

Iwaizumi grimaced. The thought was not...appealing. Who would want to spend years seeing people suffer and cry? Who would want to be trapped in helpless oblivion, fated to endure the endless torment of watching the heavens exert unfair judgement? Who would want to find peace, but ultimately be faced with eternal torture?

Iwaizumi wouldn’t know. But looking at Oikawa, he couldn’t see any signs of disgust. Even though the stars he loved may not be able to help him. Even though, once he died, he might be forced to watch everyone he loved move on. 

“Do...you still want to be a star, Tooru?” Iwaizumi was hesitant to mention anything about death to Oikawa, but he only smiled. It was a sad smile, and Iwaizumi could see the untold fears and worries in the depths of those irises. Oikawa would never want to show any weakness, but seeing how he allowed Iwaizumi to care for him, Iwaizumi understood that Oikawa trusted him. Trusted him in his most vulnerable state. Believed that Iwaizumi would protect him and comfort him when he needed it most. There was something painful yet pleasing about the thought that Oikawa considered Iwaizumi worthy enough to be his caretaker. 

“Of course, Iwa-chan. I have to watch you play volleyball, graduate, get a job, start a family…” He trailed off towards the end, and Iwaizumi could see the sadness Oikawa was trying to hide. Gathering his emotions, Oikawa turned his head and gave Iwaizumi another glance at those brown eyes, looking a little darker in the night. Almost dark enough for the pupils to blend into the iris to turn into its own galaxy. He made a request to Iwaizumi. “Just...don’t forget me, okay?”

Iwaizumi gathered Oikawa in his arms, and responded with a whisper.

“Never.”

  
  


* * *

**March**

“Hey Iwa-chan, have you seen my shoes?”

“No, didn’t you put them in the closet?”

“They’re not there.”

They were going out for their third walk of the week. Snow had started to melt and cherry blossoms were falling from the trees, but this spring didn’t seem like every other spring. Spring was supposed to be about life. Buds emerged from trees and flowers would start to bloom. Everything started to gain color again, and the cold frigid wind gave way to soft breezes. 

It wasn’t supposed to be about death. It wasn’t supposed to signify the passing of time and a future where Oikawa would inevitably get worse. 

It wasn’t supposed to be Oikawa’s last spring. 

Said person had complained about the apartment being too stuffy, and Iwaizumi had grudgingly agreed. Days inside were slowly losing their charm once the novelty of staying home wore off. Entire movie series were consumed in a mere few hours, and soon there was nothing left to watch. Iwaizumi would have suggested that they read books, but the problem was that Oikawa didn’t read. Not unless it was some training manual for improving setting or serving. 

“You sure you didn’t leave them on the balcony by accident?”

“Of course not, Iwa-chan. I’m not that forgetful.”

There was rustling, footsteps, then a small “Oh.”

“They’re in my room, Iwa-chan.” Silence. Then a quiet, “Huh, I don’t remember putting them there…”

Once jackets were put on and shoes tied, Iwaizumi opened the door and held out his arm for Oikawa to hold onto. It probably wasn’t necessary, but it gave him peace of mind. Oikawa didn’t seem to mind either. He always grabbed onto Iwaizumi’s elbow and beamed in pleasure at the show of concern.

“Thank you, Iwa-chan! It’s always sooo refreshing to see how much you care about me!”

“Whatever, Shittykawa. We’re only staying out for a few minutes, got it?”

“Ugh, fine.”

* * *

A couple minutes turned into an hour, then two. 

“Hey, we really should be getting back. It’s getting late.”

“Just one more lap, Iwa-chan.”

They continued to walk. The sun was setting, and it bathed the park in hues of pink and orange. Cars drove by, and children were called into their homes. 

“You sure you're not just waiting for the stars to show up?”

There was a light, breathy chuckle. “Oh no, I’ve been caught.”

Oikawa had been oddly silent for their trek across the park. He had stumbled once, but that had been because of a bump in the sidewalk. Nevertheless, his grip on Iwaizumi’s arm tightened momentarily, before releasing again. 

It was odd, not hearing Oikawa’s voice for an extended period of time. But Iwaizumi didn’t push. 

“Oikawa, it’s getting late.”

“I know, Iwa-chan.”

They continued to walk. 

“It’s getting cold.”

“Just a bit longer, Iwa-chan.”

They continued to walk.

They continued to walk, until Oikawa saw the stars.

  
  


* * *

The hallucinations started a few days later. It was March, and that gave Oikawa a little over three months according to the doctor’s estimations. Iwaizumi had walked into Oikawa’s room to find him cowering in the corner, knees pulled to his chest and eyes wide and frantic. 

He had rushed to his side, checking him for injuries in case Oikawa had fallen and hurt himself. 

“Tooru, what's wrong? What happened? Does something hurt?” Oikawa shook his head, but pointed to his bed. 

“It’s sitting right there Iwa-chan. It was staring at me while I was sleeping, and it won’t go away.” 

Iwaizumi looked to where Oikawa was pointing, and saw nothing. He was slightly confused, but then realized: Oikawa was seeing things. He turned back to face Oikawa who was clutching at his arm in terror, and tried to explain things in a soft voice.

“There’s nothing there, Tooru.”

Oikawa had looked at him in confusion, but then his mouth opened into a small circle. 

“It’s...I’m hallucinating, aren’t I?” Iwaizumi nodded his head. There was a quiet resignation in those beautiful brown eyes. “Ok then.” 

Iwaizumi stood up to leave, wanting to give Oikawa a bit of time to himself, but stopped when a hand grasped his wrist. He looked back to see Oikawa crouched over in shame. 

“Iwa-chan, d-do you mind if you stay with me while I try to sleep? That _thing_ keeps looking at me like I’m its dinner, and even though I have to admit I am a whole meal, it’s freaking me out a little bit. 

Iwaizumi was shocked that Oikawa was able to crack a joke in the current situation, but chuckled a little and knelt back beside him. 

“Of course, Tooru. I’ll stay with you as long as you want.” 

He pulled them both up and went to Oikawa’s bed. He let Oikawa get under the blankets first, then squeezed in behind him. He felt a head turn towards him and burrow into his neck. Iwaizumi gently wrapped his arm around Oikawa and brought him closer. He heard a sound of contentment and smiled, watching as Oikawa slowly drifted off. 

_Best to let him rest while he can._

* * *

“Tooru, please. Just a little bit.”

“I’m not hungry, Iwa-chan.”

Oikawa had not eaten for the past ten hours, and it was starting to get on his nerves. 

“Come on, Oikawa. Just have a bite. One bite, and I won’t bother you anymore.”

“I said I’m not hungry.”  
  


Frustration was climbing itself up Iwaizumi’s body, and he couldn’t stop his next words. 

“For god’s sake, Oikawa! I know you’re dying, but starving yourself is not the way to go!”

_Fuck. I screwed up._

Iwaizumi felt the exact moment the temperature in the kitchen dropped, and Oikawa’s expression hardened. There was a _screech_ as the chair Oikawa was sitting in was pushed away from the table, and the glare he sent could have frozen the whole ocean.

“You know what, Iwa-chan, maybe I will starve myself to death. Then you won’t have to look after me anymore, and everything will go back to normal.” His words had the venom of a snake, and the look in his eyes could only be explained as murderous.

Oikawa stalked off and slammed the room of his door, leaving Iwaizumi to mentally chastise himself for not being able to control his temper.

His head sunk into his hands, as he sat alone in front of an uneaten plate of food.

* * *

To: Shittykawa (sent March 11th at 7:30 p.m.)

[ _I’m sorry, Tooru. I never should have said that. It was dumb and I let my temper get the best of me. Will you forgive me?_ ]

From: Shittykawa (sent March 11th at 7:31 p.m.)

[ _I will, if you take me to see the stars._ ]

To: Shittykawa (sent March 11th at 7:31 p.m.)

[ _Deal._ ]

* * *

There was quiet giggling to his right, and Iwaizumi resisted the urge to sigh for the tenth time that morning.

“What are you laughing about, Oikawa.”

More laughs.

“Iwa-chan, you’ve got some flour on your nose.”

He swiped with his hand, trying to get it off, but realized that it probably wasn’t helping. There was flour everywhere: the counter, the floor, and his clothes. It was everywhere except where it was supposed to be: in the bread.

“Oikawa, for the last time, the flour is supposed to stay _in_ the bowl, not out of it. Goodness gracious, you couldn’t cook if your life depended on it.”

He glanced over to see Oikawa shaking with silent chuckles, trying to hide it from Iwaizumi, but failing. 

“Sorry Iwa-chan, but you look so funny!” There were some snorts, until it turned into full blown laughter. Iwaizumi didn’t have the heart to scold him.

_At least he’s having fun._

Once the kitchen was more or less under control, Iwaizumi placed the bread into the oven. 

“Now we just have to wait for a bit.” 

He turned and left, walking to the living room to sit on the couch and wait while the bread was baking. There were footsteps that followed him, as always. Even though they were together almost all the time, there were still times when they each had their own individual moments. Sometimes Oikawa wanted to be alone, while other days he didn’t want company, but simply the presence of Iwaizumi around him. 

Today seemed like a day where he wanted company. 

Iwaizumi continued to walk toward the couch, until he heard the footsteps behind him still. 

“What’s up, Tooru?” He asked. When there was no answer, he turned around and faced Oikawa. 

He was standing in the middle of the living room, staring into a corner next to the door to the balcony. 

“It’s...not really there, is it?” He raised his hand, and Iwaizumi redirected his gaze back to where he was pointing. There was nothing there. 

“It’s not there.”

Oikawa nodded, then proceeded to continue making his way to the couch. Iwaizumi went with him, and they both settled comfortably on the soft cushions. He noticed that Oikawa sat a little farther towards the end of the couch to avoid the corner he had been looking at.

A random movie was playing, so he kept it on and leaned back to relax. The quiet murmurings of the TV were peaceful, and Iwaizumi felt his eyes close.

The presence to his right was slowly inching closer, but he didn’t move. Soon enough, Oikawa was almost pressed into his side, but there wasn’t any more movement. There was an air of tension, and it made the air almost suffocating to breathe. 

Iwaizumi opened his eyes and spoke. “What did you see, Tooru?” That seemed to catch Oikawa off guard. He flinched, and pulled his legs up to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them. 

“Do you really want to know?” A trembling voice that was so unlike Oikawa made Iwaizumi pull in a sharp breath. 

“Yes.”

There's a moment of silence before Oikawa talked.

“Usually it’s animals. Sometimes it’s people. This time,” Oikawa shuddered. “It was some sort of disfigured beast.” He was shaking, and Iwaizumi went and placed his arms around thin shoulders. At this unwarranted touch, Oikawa unfurled and seemed to collapse into Iwaizumi’s embrace. He made low, keening sounds while clutching at the fabric of Iwaizumi’s shirt. 

Iwaizumi didn’t know what to say. What could he say? So he sat, holding Oikawa and rubbing his back. Trying to comfort with what little knowledge he had.

There was a muffled sound from his chest, and Iwaizumi pulled away to hear better.

“What?”

A quiet sniffle. Then, “Sometimes they make sounds too.” 

_Sounds?_

That was...news to Iwaizumi. Oikawa didn’t seem to respond to sounds, only averting his gaze slightly at something he saw.

“What kind of sounds, Tooru?” 

“Um...usually it’s pretty quiet. If it’s animals, then it’s usually growls or purrs. But when it's the monsters…” He faltered, but then continued. “Sometimes they scream, Iwa-chan. And it sounds so...painful. It’s shrill and loud. Like someone is ripping off their limbs or cutting them open.” 

Iwaizumi could only open his mouth in horror at what he was hearing. They screamed? It sounded painful? He imagined Oikawa having to listen to that, and it made shivers run up his spine. 

Then he remembered something in his room, and tried to untangle himself from Oikawa’s arms. 

“Iwa-chan?”

“Give me a second.”

Once he had been released, he quickly walked to his room and pulled open a drawer. They were right where he had left them. 

_Thank goodness._

Grabbing them, he stalked out to find his phone.

After getting everything he needed, he went back to Oikawa. There was a blanket wrapped around him and purposeful avoidance in his gaze. When Iwaizumi walked back into the living room, he saw a flinch and watched as Oikawa went to cover his ears. 

Plopping back down on the couch, he placed what he had found on Oikawa’s ears. 

“Iwa-chan…?” Oikawa’s hands went up to grasp the headphones, and he seemed to realize what was happening. Shiny eyes framed by long eyelashes fixed themselves on Iwaizumi’s face, and he felt his breath stutter. Iwaizumi averted his gaze and quickly hooked it up to his phone, playing a song.

The bass pulsed through the speakers, and he could hear some of the notes through the leather of the ear cushions. Oikawa visibly relaxed, and his hold on the blanket around him slowly loosened. Tired eyes closed, and he slumped against Iwaizumi. 

He waited. Oikawa seemed so fragile, and he was worried that he would crumble at a mere touch. That he would shatter like glass.

It was silent for a minute, until a small voice made its way out of Oikawa’s mouth.

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

* * *

From: Kuroo Tetsurou (sent March 19th at 3:09 p.m.)

[ _Hey Iwaizumi, how’s Oikawa doing? I’ve been wanting to visit for a while, but wasn’t sure if it would be alright for me to. Keep my updated, yeah?]_

To: Kuroo Tetsurou (sent March 19th at 6:38 p.m.)

[ _Of course you can visit Kuroo. Tooru will be excited and he’s been feeling better lately. Come over tonight if you have time]_

* * *

Iwaizumi was standing up on the roof. Alone. Oikawa had fallen asleep after a few nights of being unable to. Iwaizumi didn’t want to bother him while he was catching up on some much needed rest, and instead decided to see the stars. Maybe he would tell Oikawa about them when he went back down. 

The wind ruffled his hair, and he shivered at the sudden chill that ran through his body. This had been the first time he had gotten some time to himself since he found out about Oikawa’s diagnosis. As he leaned against the railing at the edge of the roof, he couldn’t help but feel a shred of anger. The longer he stood there, the more prominent it became. He was mad. _Furious_ .  
  


“Why?” 

He asked no one in particular. Maybe he was questioning the stars, who allowed this to happen to the person that admired them the most. Maybe it was to God, who decided he wanted to take Oikawa from Iwaizumi’s life. Maybe it had been heaven's choice. Maybe their taste for human suffering had chosen Oikawa to be the person they would take. A person that could light up a room if he walked in, with his narcissistic jokes and childish behaviour. A person who radiated confidence, but was still self-conscious and fearful. A person that held a special spot in the heart of every person he met, and treated that spot with the utmost care. 

“Why!?” 

Iwaizumi couldn’t understand. He glared up into the sky. 

“Why!? Why him? You could have chosen anyone else on this planet, hell, you could have chosen me! So why him?! Why does it have to be Tooru that dies?” He felt the rage bubbling in his chest. “You think you can just take him away?! I always knew the heavens were unfair, but this is different. Tooru has done nothing wrong. He doesn’t deserve this. He has dreams, and hopes. He has so much that he wants to do.” 

The blood was pounding in his ears and smothered any sense of rationality or control that Iwaizumi had tried to maintain. He opened his mouth, and he _screamed._ He let his rage, his pain, his fear rush out of him a single cry. 

It ripped through his throat and _burned_. He screamed until his voice went hoarse, and he collapsed against the metal railing of the roof. 

The people who heard the scream would say it sounded like a wounded animal that had lost everything. An animal at the last legs of its life, full of desperation and fear.

* * *

“No. I won’t take it.”

Iwaizumi sighed in defeat. He had been trying to coax Oikawa for ten minutes to take his medication, but it was a no go. He had refused to take it, no matter what happened to him, and Iwaizumi didn’t know what to do. He had tried to be stern, gentle, and apathetic. Milk bread was on the table as a bribe, but Oikawa didn’t take the bait. 

“Tooru, please. You have to take it.”

“No. I said no.” Iwaizumi saw something dark flicker through Oikawa’s eyes, and he resisted the urge to shudder. It felt like something sinister, and so unlike Oikawa that it sent shivers through Iwaizumi’s spine. 

“Tooru, I won’t ask again-”

He saw Oikawa just as he pounced, knocking Iwaizumi down on the kitchen floor. Oikawa sat on him, snarling with the ferocity of a feral cat. His pupils were blown wide and breathing erratically.

“I told you that I’m not taking it. I’m not-” Oikawa suddenly stilled, and Iwazumi saw the moment the Oikawa knew what he had done. Horror trickled onto his face before it was full blown fear. He scrambled to get off Iwaizumi, feet slipping on the hardwood floor. Oikawa turned and bolted into his room, locking the door behind him. 

“Tooru!” Iwaizumi shouted after him. There was sobbing, and he got up off the floor. 

A sense of dread filled him as he approached Oikawa’s door. The doctor had warned him that Oikawa would be aggressive, but it had taken him by surprise. He never thought Oikawa would try to attack him in any way, shape, or form. 

Desperation laced his voice while trying to reason with him. “It’s ok. It’s not your fault. I swear. I’m sorry I was being so pushy.” He still heard the crying, and it took all of his strength not to break open the door and pull Oikawa into his arms and comfort him. He stood there for a few minutes, until the crying stilled, and he heard a small murmur through the door.

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan.” He sounded so broken. 

Iwaizumi felt his own eyes water, but he tried to stay strong. “It’s alright, Tooru. I forgive you. Can you open the door for me?”

He heard shuffling, then the click of a lock. He stood waiting until the door opened, and he was faced with a crying Oikawa. He was sniffling and shaking, face filled with regret and shame. Tears ran down his cheeks and left streaks on his smooth white skin. 

He looked so much paler than he did a month ago.

Iwaizumi pulled Oikawa into his arms, and met no resistance. Oikawa buried his face in Iwaizumi’s neck, and quietly sobbed. Iwaizumi couldn’t do anything but hold him. He could smell the lavender of Oikawa’s shampoo, and it surrounded him in an air of comfort and familiarity.

It physically hurt him to say the next words.

“I’m sorry, Tooru, but you really need to take your meds.”

He felt Oikawa tense, and he started to pull away. However, Iwaizumi held on tight, not letting him go. Oikawa struggled, and Iwaizumi fell to the floor trying to keep him restrained. 

“Please, Iwa-chan. Just this once. I don’t want to take them. Please.” Oikawa begged. He _begged_ Iwaizumi not to make him but all Iwaizumi could do was hold Oikawa as he placed the pills in his mouth. 

Eyes filled with tears, and Oikawa tried to push the tablets out with his tongue. 

He was twisting and writhing, trying to get away from the person that was forcing something down his throat. Something that made him feel numb and lifeless. Iwaizumi knew that. Oikawa had told him how taking the pills made him feel: like he was floating in his own body, unable to form emotions and distant from everything around him.

“I’m so sorry, Tooru.” He could hear his heart break as Oikawa kept begging him, but he still forced the water down his throat and commanded him to swallow. Oikawa listened, but continued to shake and sob after the deed was done.

Iwaizumi rocked him on the floor, and repeated the mantra of _“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,”_ until sobbing turned to quiet whimpers, and the body in his hands went limp.

* * *

  
  


**April**

They were lying in Iwaizumi’s room, Oikawa complaining that there were too many monsters in his. He said Iwaizumi was the only one that seemed to keep them away. He held Oikawa in his arms, feeling the rise and fall of the other's chest. He wasn’t sleeping. His breathing was even, but it wasn’t deep enough to signify that he was resting. 

When Iwaizumi had woken up a few nights ago, he was greeted with large brown eyes looking at him. He nearly shouted, but relaxed once he figured out Oikawa was just trying to distract himself from whatever he was seeing. 

That had been at least two nights ago. Oikawa hadn’t slept a wink since then, and Iwaizumi didn’t know what to do. 

The headphones also seemed to have become a permanent fixture on Oikawa’s ears and he carried them with him wherever he went. Walks to the park become more infrequent, as Oikawa was feeling tired more often. Nightly visits to the roof also become more rare.

Iwaizumi broke the silence. 

“Hey, Oikawa, are you going to visit your family?” He felt the body next to him tense, and when he received no response, he continued. “I mean, I think they deserve to know what’s happening. I don’t want to have to go and tell them that their son died and they couldn’t even get to say goodbye.” That was not a conversation Iwaizumi was willing to have, and he didn’t even know if he would be sane enough to properly tell them without falling apart.

“What would I even say, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa whispered. The sheets rustled as he squirmed. “How could I just go up to them and tell them I’m dying? They’re going to want me to come back home and stay with them, and I can’t do that. It’s hard enough putting this responsibility on you, but I don’t know if I could handle putting my parents through that pain. They...they don’t deserve a son who’s been nothing but a dead weight, and I couldn’t face them knowing that they wasted so much time trying to raise me-”

Iwaizumi felt rage bubbling in his chest, and his next words contained a bit of venom. “Don’t you dare say that about yourself, Shittykawa. You’re not a dead weight, and your parents love you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re dying, or can’t pay them back. It is their _privilege_ Tooru.” 

He leaned back down to see if Oikawa was listening to him. He appeared attentive, so Iwaizumi continued. 

“Those are the people who love you the most in the entire world. They would never feel that way about you, and you don’t have to feel guilt. They don’t expect you to be perfect. No one does. You can’t expect that of anyone. We all have our flaws, even I have to admit that I have some...undesirable qualities.” Oikawa chuckled, but continued to listen. “But that doesn’t make me any less of a person than I am today. I am who I am because of those flaws. They don’t define me, but they help shape me. It’s the same with you, Tooru. Sometimes you’re too proud, and say narcissistic things, but I know that you feel self-conscious about your worth. You feel anxious when you can’t perform at your best, or you make a mistake. That’s not wrong. Everyone feels like that once in a while. But your mistakes don’t define you. And those flaws you have, I think that's what makes you beautiful. You understand?”

Iwaizumi felt his chest get wet, and looked down to Oikawa who was crying into his shirt. It had made him a little uncomfortable trying to form the words that he could feel in his heart, but it had worked. Kind of. 

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi grunted in acknowledgement. “I think...I might go visit them. Will you go with me?” He looked up at Iwaizumi with eyes that sparked like a thousand stars, and Iwaizumi felt his lips move before he could process what he was saying.

“Of course, Tooru. For you, I would go to the ends of the earth.”

* * *

They boarded the train the next morning, lugging their suitcases behind them and settling down in their seats. It would take them roughly three hours, so they settled comfortably beside each other. Oikawa sat in the window seat, as he liked to look out at the scenery while they were passing. He missed the fond looks that Iwaizumi passed his way, admiring the trees and hills as they passed. 

This would probably be the last time he would see them. 

* * *

Once they arrived in the Miyagi prefecture, they left the train and started on their walk toward Oikawa’s house. He didn’t live too far from the train station, so it wouldn’t take them long. Iwaizumi was only worried that Oikawa would get tired, but as he glanced to his left, he saw that Oikawa looked fine, if not energetic. He was smiling and beaming, fondly looking at the familiar landmarks and buildings he passed. Iwaizumi pulled out his phone, and opened a new message:

To: Hanamaki Takahiro, Matsukawa Issei (sent April 2nd at 1:06 p.m.)

[ _Hey, I’m in town today and probably for the rest of the week. Do you want to meet up and chat for a bit?]_

He put away his phone as they approached Oikawa’s house. He walked all the way to the front door, then turned to face him. 

“Do you want me to stay with you?” He saw Oikawa thinking hard, but after a while he shook his head. 

“I think I have to do this on my own.” Iwaizumi nodded in understanding, then grabbed his suitcase to leave, when a hand stopped him. He turned to see Oikawa in a panic, eyes blowing wide and breathing coming faster than normal. Dropping what he had in his hands, Iwaizumi turned and pulled Oikawa into a hug. He felt arms wrap around his waist, and he couldn’t help but notice how thin they were through the material of Oikawa’s hoodie. 

“What’s the matter, Tooru?” He tried to soothe him, and rubbed his hand across the others back, ignoring the bumps of the ribs that protruded from his skin. “I’m right here.”

“Iwa-chan, can you stay with me at the house for this week? I just...I don’t know if I can stay here alone with them. I think I would suffocate.”

Iwaizumi couldn’t stop his surprise at Oikawa’s words, but agreed that he would. He’d just tell his parents that he would be staying at Oikawa’s for the week that they were here, and visit them when he had the chance.  
  


“You want me to leave my suitcase with you then?” He felt Oikawa nod, and released a sigh he didn't know he had been holding. There was a sense of relief when he realized he wouldn’t have to leave Oikawa alone for an extended period of time. These days, anxiety rose every time Oikawa wasn’t in his general area of reach, and he didn’t know if he would stay sane if he had to be separated from Oikawa for a whole week.

“Don’t worry. I won’t leave you alone.” Oikawa relaxed in his arms, and Iwaizumi released him when he started to pull away. 

It felt like there was a hole where Oikawa was supposed to be, and he felt empty. 

“Alright then. I’ll be back sometime around evening, but text me if you need anything or more time. Be careful walking around the house.” 

Iwaizumi started to walk away and felt his heart yearn for something just out of reach.

* * *

From: Hanamaki Takahiro, Matsukawa Issei

(sent at 2:02 p.m.) 

Hanamaki Takahiro: [ _Of course we want to meet you Hajime! It’s been forever since we’ve seen each other, and I’m dying to know what Tokyo’s like!]_

(sent at 2:03 p.m.) 

Matsukawa Issei: [ _When do you want to meet? Do you wanna come to our special place ever since high school?]_

To: Hanamaki Takahiro, Matsukawa Issei (sent at 2:04)

[ _Yea I’ll meet you there. Currently walking in that direction-]_

He heard the sound of a horn, and flinched so hard that his finger accidentally pushed the send button without finishing the text. He growled in irritation and turned to look at the person that had honked the horn so close to him. 

“Excuse me, but why are you-” His sentence died on his tongue as he saw two familiar faces peek out of a window. 

“Oi! Hajime!” Hanamaki and Matsukawa waved at him, and he couldn’t resist the smile that rose to his face.

_Those bastards, they scared me half to death._

Hanamaki’s pink hair stood out in the black interior of the car, and was a little longer than it had been when Iwaizumi had last visited. His eyes were wide and smiling, which contrasted with the more calm image of Matsukawa beside him. The latter’s thick bushy eyebrows were hidden under his hair, which was _very_ long. Much longer than what it had been in high school, and Iwaizumi had to admit that it suited him. His face was more calm and blank, but there was still a hint of a smile on his lips, and Iwaizumi wasn’t fooled by the image of seriousness. Matsukawa was the most chaotic one in the group. His dark skin reminded Iwaizumi of his own and brought him back to memories where Oikawa and Hanamaki had complained about being unable to tan without getting burned.

Iwaizumi ran over to them, ignoring the other cars that could have mowed him over, instead concentrating on that single truck that was sitting in the middle of the road. It was probably illegal, but the town wouldn't really care. Matsukawa opened the door of the truck, and Iwaizumi dove right in and hugged him.

“I was about to pound you two to the dirt when you honked that horn. Geez, don’t you know how to show some decent respect?”

They both giggled at him, and Hanamaki proceeded to honk the horn again, startling some kids who were playing next to the road. Iwaizumi smacked his arm while he laughed, and he felt a sense of comfort in being surrounded by his old friends once more. 

“God, I've missed this. I’ve missed you guys so much.” He sighed and stuck his arm out of the window while Hanamaki raced through the streets on their way to the Aoba Johsai gym. 

“Damn Iwaizumi, I gotta say, you’ve bulked up in the months that you’ve been gone. What do they feed you back in Tokyo to make monsters like you?” Matsukawa was staring at Iwaizumi’s biceps, and he couldn’t help but flex to show off his guns in response. 

“They feed us rice, Mattsun. Same as what you get here.” Iwaizumi deadpanned. Hanamaki started chuckling, and before long, all of them were laughing so hard that they were about to sob. Iwaizumi didn’t know what was so funny, but there was something about being near old friends that made him free to laugh as much as he wanted. It was liberating, and he had missed them so much. The past worries that had been haunting him seemed so far out of reach, and he was able to let go for the first time in a few months.

Hanamaki tried to regain his composure, taking deep breaths and pulling his cheeks down with his fingers. “Man, I kind of wish I had gone to Tokyo. Ya know, be one of the city kids. Maybe I would be as built as Haj.” After he made this comment, Matsukawa looked at him, horrified. 

“You would be willing to go to Tokyo and leave me here Makki? All alone?” His voice broke at the end, and Iwaizumi couldn’t help but snort. 

_Still one for the dramatic, I see._

Hanamaki looked over at Matsukawa and smirked. “Of course I would never leave you, my dear. You would be coming with me.” At this Matsukawa seemed content, and Iwaizumi cringed. 

“Alright, that's enough, lovebirds.” Iwaizumi couldn’t control his look of disgust as they kissed right in front of him. “I can’t believe you guys are still together even after high school, and decided to stay here as well. Would have totally expected you to ditch everything and race off into the sunset on some horse in search of adventure .”

The imagery made both Hanamaki and Matsukawa chortle, and they held hands while they looked at each other—well Matsukawa was looking. Hanamaki was trying to focus on steering so that they wouldn’t go barreling off of the road into a fence.

“Mattsun, honey. I love you, but please let go of my hand. I am not very good at driving with one hand, and I really would not like to crash this car and send Iwaizumi to heaven when he hasn’t even confessed to Oikawa yet.”

Iwaizumi felt his eyes widen and looked over at Hanamaki. The latter looked surprised, then guiltily spared a glance at Matsukawa, who was glaring at him. 

“Oops, I guess I spoiled that secret.” 

Iwaizumi tried to calm his racing mind.

_Confess to Oikawa? About what? I don’t understand-_

“Hey Hajime! How is Oikawa?” Matsukawa interrupted Iwaizumi’s inner monologue. He stopped breathing, and tried to think of an answer that would satisfy them. Was he allowed to tell them about Oikawa? Would he get mad? 

“Tooru is...here. He’s visiting his family right now though. I’m sure we can stop by later and see him?” He tried to avert his gaze, but after sparing a glance at Hanamaki and Matsukawa, he stopped. They were wagging their eyebrows, and smirking at one another. “Oi, what are you doing that for? Are you guys drunk or something?”

Hanamaki laughed first, and Matsukawa followed. After a moment of confusion for Iwaizumi and amusement for the other two, Matsukawa decided to explain.

“You know, I think that’s the first time you’ve called Oikawa by his first name.” He sniggered into his hand, and Iwaizumi frowned. He hadn’t realized he had switched to calling Oikawa by his first name. Although, he didn’t really understand what the big fuss was about.

“You guys are a bunch of kids. So what does it matter if I call him by his first name?” They continued to laugh, and Iwaizumi tried to keep the smile off his face, but ended up failing miserably. He gazed out the window, listening to the sounds of laughter that enveloped him.

* * *

“Dang, that hits the stop!” 

After Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa had gone to the Aoba Johsai gym, they found their old coach looking over team formations in the office, and decided to greet him. He was welcoming, and invited them to play volleyball for a bit, and they all agreed. It would be fun to play just like old times. After about an hour of spiking and blocking, they had said goodbye and headed to the nearest convenience store to buy ice cream. 

They sat on the bench outside of the store, enjoying the cold treat and letting the wind cool their sweat. Iwaizumi shivered when an especially strong gust ran over his skin, and unknotted the jacket that hung around his waist, pulling it around his shoulders. 

The sun was setting, and the beautiful orange and pink hues ran over the mountains. It was moments like these that Iwaizumi missed the most living in Tokyo. The sunsets weren’t nearly as beautiful as they were in the countryside. 

“So...Hajime. How are you?” Hanamaki broke the comfortable silence, and Iwaizumi turned to him in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, sometimes you’ll stare off into the distance, and get this sad look on your face. Did something happen in Tokyo?” 

Iwaizumi didn’t know how to respond. What could he say? “ _Oh, our best friend is dying and it’s up to me to take care of him”_ was definitely off the table, and he wouldn’t want to place the burden of knowing they couldn’t do anything to help on their shoulders. If Oikawa wanted them to know, he would tell them. 

“You know, I’ve just been thinking...don’t you think the world is unfair?” He saw Hanamaki and Matsukawa share a look, but didn’t know what it meant.

Matuskawa responded first. “What do you mean?”

Iwaizumi didn’t know how he would explain what he was feeling, but he knew that they wouldn’t judge him for anything he would say. They were the kind of people who were fun to be around, but could be serious and handle heavy topics with maturity, which said a lot about their characters. It was a trait that he loved about them.

“Well, there's so much shit that goes on in the world, and I feel like bad things are always happening to good people.” Iwaizumi paused, before continuing. “Criminals get away with crimes, while innocent people die because of their actions. There’s laws and courts, but judgement is rarely fair. People who don’t deserve to die aren't given the support they need, while those like politicians who live off of blood money get the best services. Why is it that there isn’t help for the people who really need it?”

The wind rustled the leaves, and a few settled on the ground in front of Iwaizumi’s feet. He kicked them, while trying to form his next words.

“It’s worse in Tokyo. Actually, I wouldn’t say it's worse in Tokyo. It's just that living here in the countryside, I wasn’t exposed to it. I was hidden, protected from it. And now that I’m faced with everything, I just...I don’t _understand_ why some things happen. Life feels so unfair, and I think...I think the heavens enjoy seeing people suffer.”

Iwaizumi fell silent. He felt the gazes of Hanamaki and Matsukawa on his face, but he tried not to show any emotion. If they pushed further, he might not be able to keep the secret about Oikawa and that was something he did not want to spill.

“I think...I know where you’re coming from.” Hanamaki answered after a long silence. “The world is definitely unfair. It doesn’t care about feelings, or relationships. It takes and takes, giving nothing in return. As for the heavens, I’m not sure. The spiritual realm is something I’ve never explored, but the way you talk about it, it’s like you have a personal grudge against it.” 

He cocked his head to the side, trying to make sense of what Iwaizumi said, but continued. 

“I won’t pry, Hajime, but I want you to know that you’re right. Life is cruel; unfair. Bad things happen to good people. But what can we do? This is our home. This is where we are born, where we live, and where we die. We find love, make friends, experience pain, sadness, but that's what forms and shapes us. We can’t hide from the suffering that lives on this planet. It’s there, in every nook and cranny. It follows us around like shadows of our existence. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control what we do with the time we’ve been given.”

Hanamaki took a deep breath. “Time is so precious, Hajime. We go through our day without even thinking about it, but time is limited. All of our days are numbered, and the hours and seconds we experience are finite. They’ll end. I know it feels like nothing is going to happen right now, but I want you to know that the time we spend on earth is short. So don’t waste your time, Hajime.” 

Iwaizumi looks at Hanamaki in surprise. The concept of time, of Oikawa dying, had seemed like a distant future. But after listening to what Hanamaki had said, Iwaizumi realized that his time was precious. His time with _Oikawa_ was precious. 

“Makki, you should be a poet.” Matsukawa comments beside him, and Iwaizumi can’t help but agree. Hanamaki simply shrugged shyly, and smiled up at them. 

_“Don’t waste your time.”_

* * *

Iwaizumi said goodbye to Hanamaki and Matsukawa as they dropped him off at Oikawa’s house. They didn’t pressure him to see Oikawa, and he was grateful for that. He wasn’t sure if they knew or suspected something, but they were respectful enough to allow Iwaizumi to keep it a secret. He had visited his family with Hanamaki and Matsukawa, welcomed by his parents who had missed him. He had missed them too, and was happy that he had finally gotten to come back and see them, even if the reasons for his visit were not as favourable as he would have liked. 

He stood outside of the Oikawa residence, before raising his hand to knock at the door. After a few moments, he heard a lock click and the door was opening, leaving him face to face with Oikawa’s mother who had bloodshot eyes and was still shaking with silent sobs. 

He knew, and so he stepped forward and wrapped her in his arms. She seemed to collapse against him, and held onto his shoulders for support. They stood there for a few minutes, before Oikawa-san seemed to calm down and she pulled away. Eyes smiled up at him in thanks, and she gestured for him to enter the house. 

The entire household was sitting around the dining table, and Oikawa was seated at the head. He looked slumped and defeated. There were no tears, but there were streaks on his face that told Iwaizumi that there had been before. It was silent, but when Oikawa looked up and saw Iwaizumi standing there, he seemed to stop. Iwaizumi couldn’t help admiring Oikawa. His hair had gotten long and shaggy, but it still looked incredibly soft and all Iwaizumi wanted to do was run his hands through those beautiful locks. Thin lips were pursed and shaking, eyes scrunched together in an attempt to stop tears. His face looked even smaller from afar, and Iwaizumi had to resist the urge to flinch at the sight. It _hurt_ to see Oikawa appear so weak. 

Iwaizumi held his arms open, and in seconds, Oikawa’s familiar warmth was in his presence again. It was comforting to smell the lavender fragrance, and the tension of the day melted away into bliss. Simply being around Oikawa was relaxing, and Iwaizumi didn’t know how he lasted the day without seeing him. 

“I’m here, Tooru.” He heard a sob, and suddenly Oikawa was breaking. He was breaking and Iwaizumi didn’t know what to do. His cries resounded throughout the kitchen, and Iwaizumi felt the need to _protect him._ He looked up to see Oikawa’s mother and father, who both appeared as if they were on the verge of tears. They nodded, and that was all the incentive Iwaizumi needed. He hooked his arms underneath Oikawa’s knees, and pulled him closer to his chest. 

_He’s so light._

Oikawa wrapped his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck, and didn’t protest at being carried. Iwaizumi marched out of the kitchen, and went up the stairs to where he knew Oikawa’s room was. He had been there countless times before, and the Oikawa residence was almost a second home. Carefully navigating his way through the hallway so that Oikawa wouldn’t bump into the wall, he approached the large white door. He gently released Oikawa’s legs, and turned the knob before pushing the door open and guiding Oikawa into his childhood room. 

There were volleyball posters everywhere. The olympic team, and other players that Oikawa admired were plastered on the walls. A desk sat in the far right corner, filled with books about training and technical skills. Right in the middle of the desk, was a volleyball. It was worn, showing how Oikawa had practiced with it relentlessly. It brought back memories of rallying in the park until the sun set, and the morning walks to practice.

The bed was directly to the left, and Iwaizumi led Oikawa to the edge and had him sit on it. Iwaizumi knelt before Oikawa, and tried to get him to look at him. 

“Hey, Tooru. I’m here.” Oikawa had his eyes shut tight, but tears still leaked from under his lids. They slowly ran down his cheeks, before reaching his chin and dropping to the floor. Iwaizumi raised his hands, and hesitated, before cradling Oikawa’s face in his palms. He felt Oikawa lean towards the touch, and another sob ripped from his chest. Iwaizumi himself was fighting the urge to cry. Oikawa was in so much pain, and he knew there was nothing he could do other than try to comfort him. 

A few minutes passed in silence, before Oikawa opened his eyes. Tears continued to fall from them, and Iwaizumi’s breath hitched. Oikawa was crying, but he was beautiful. There was a flush on his cheeks, and his lips trembled. Iwaizumi wanted to trace those lips, wipe the tears from his face, and caress every single plane and dip of Oikawa’s face. His tears sparkled on his cheeks, and his eyelashes were damp, but were still long and framed those beautiful eyes. Those eyes that carried entire galaxies. They carried broken dreams and hopes. Plans for a future that would never come to fruition. They carried sadness and fear. Were victim to the heavens and slave to fate. Eyes that would ultimately be lost to the cruel flow of time.

_Time...don’t waste my time..._

“Hey Iwa-chan, can we leave tomorrow? I don’t know if I can stay here all week. I’m just...I don’t want to see them so hurt.” Iwaizumi only nodded. He wouldn’t deny this request, and he understood how Oikawa felt. 

“Of course. We can leave tomorrow whenever you want to. Just...spend some time with them? This might be the last time they see their son, and I don’t want you to stay up here crying. Go laugh with them, eat something delicious, and I’ll be there with you ok? I won’t leave you alone.”

Oikawa looked at him gratefully. His lips rose into a small smile, and shivered as Iwaizumi wiped the tears with the pads of his thumb. 

“After, we can go to the park. Like old times.” Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa smiled, and Iwaizumi swore he was looking at the sun. 

“Like old times.”

Iwaizumi continued to dry the shiny crystals that continued to flow from Oikawa’s eyes, and couldn’t help wanting to hold that beautiful face in his palms forever.

“Let’s go see the stars, Tooru.”

* * *

To: Mom (sent April 3rd at 8:45 a.m.)

[ _Hey Mom, Tooru and I will be going back to Tokyo this evening. I’ll come visit before we leave._ ]

To: Hanamaki Takahiro, Matsukawa Issei (sent April 3rd at 9:14 a.m.)

[ _Hey Makki, Mattsun. Oikawa and I will be going back to Tokyo later tonight. He wants to meet you both before we leave. We’ll drop by around 2._ ]

* * *

Iwaizumi blew a breath above the surface of the steaming cup of coffee. Oikawa had convinced him to leave the house for a bit after returning from their trip, reassuring him that he would be fine. 

But Iwaizumi couldn’t help but be worried. Over the past few days, Oikawa’s actions had seemed more jerky, and he struggled to walk around without teetering. Iwaizumi usually held his arm, and now had to stay in the washroom with Oikawa if he took a shower or bath. It was getting more dangerous to leave Oikawa alone, but today he had somehow convinced Iwaizumi to leave and meet Kuroo for a cup of coffee.

Said man was sitting right across from him, peering at his face.

“You look like shit.” 

“Well thank you, Captain Obvious. I haven’t been sleeping properly since Tooru is awake most of the night.” 

Kuroo looked at him with worry. “You know, you have to take care of yourself as well. It wouldn’t be good for either of you if you get sick. I know that you feel obligated to stay awake with him, and you’re taking care of everything around the house, but make sure to get some rest. If you need a break, you can always call me and I’ll watch Tooru for a bit.” 

Iwaizumi pondered on that, and sighed. “That actually would be a big help. Thanks, Kuroo. Oikawa has been wanting to see you anyway. How’s volleyball going?”

The topic slightly hurt Iwaizumi. He hadn’t been able to play with the team in so long, and was missing the feeling of running as he approached the net, then soaring into the sky. The satisfying _smack_ as his hand hit the ball, and the resounding _thud_ as it landed on the floor. But he also knew, it wouldn’t be the same. Nothing would ever feel as satisfying as hitting one of Oikawa’s sets over the net. 

“It’s been pretty chill. The team is worried about Oikawa, since the Coach told them, but they also know what he's like. He wouldn’t want them to see him like this.” Kuroo was pretty spot on with that observation. Oikawa would have _hated_ for everyone to see him weak and vulnerable. It was already a stretch that he had allowed Kuroo to come and visit him, but the rest of the team were definitely not familiar territory. 

Iwaizumi grunted, “Yeah, he’s pretty stubborn about that.” Running a hand through his hair, Iwaizumi felt the grease on his scalp, and it was hard to open his eyes after shutting them. “Kuroo, do you mind looking after Oikawa for just a bit tonight? I’m dying for a shower and a nap.”

Kuroo smiled and nodded. “Of course, Iwa-chan.” He laughed at the glare that Iwaizumi sent over his way. “I’ll get some tea for Oikawa, and then we can leave.”

* * *

“Tooru!” Iwaizumi’s hand extended out, trying to reach the figure that was slowly leaving his sight. “Come back!”

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. It’s time for me to go.” He slowly smiled back at Iwaizumi who was desperately trying to run to him, but his feet were glued to the ground.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry Tooru. Please don’t leave me. Don’t go-”

* * *

Iwaizumi jolted in his bed, sitting up and breathing hard. His sheets were damp with sweat, and he faintly heard laughter outside. It brought him back to the present. 

_Oikawa is here. He isn’t leaving._

Iwaizumi groaned and pulled himself from his bed, before opening the door and padding out to where the other two were playing a game of—

“Monopoly?” Kuroo and Oikawa’s heads turned around at Iwaizumi’s statement, and Oikawa’s face lit up with the brightest smile.

“Iwa-chan! Tetsu-chan is taking all my money, and now he's taking my land too.” he pouted, and Iwaizumi resisted the urge to giggle. He looked like a petulant child whose dessert had been taken away. 

He walked over and ruffled Oikawa’s hair, who leaned slightly into his touch and closed his eyes. Iwaizumi observed the board, and sighed.

“Tooru, this is hopeless. Why is it that you only have one plot of land?” Kuroo simply snickered while Oikawa opened his eyes in shock. 

“Iwa-chan! Thats rude. I tried really hard, you know.” He glared over at Kuroo. “This is all your fault.”

Kuroo reeled, “What do you mean this is my fault?! I’m just too good at Monopoly.”

Iwaizumi watched them with a fond smile.

_I’m going to miss this._

* * *

“You sure you trust me with this, Tooru?”

“Of course, Iwa-chan. I trust you the most in the entire world.”

Iwaizumi sighed. Oikawa’s confidence was sorely misplaced. This was not going to end well. 

“Alright, let me grab the scissors.” 

Constant complaining of long hair had finally pushed Iwaizumi over the edge. Somehow he had let Oikawa convince him to cut his hair. Fortunately, Iwaizumi had been able to get his hair cut while Kuroo was watching Oikawa, so his own head would not be victim to the inevitable mess that was about to be created.

He grabbed the sharpest pair of scissors he could find and made his way back to the bathroom. Oikawa sat on a chair in front of the sink, a towel and plastic sheet wrapped around his neck. His eyes were closed, and he was humming a tune that Iwaizumi didn’t recognize.

“Ready?”

Oikawa’s eyes shot open, and then they were filled with panic. 

“Iwa-chan? Why...do you have scissors?” There was visible confusion written all over his face, and Iwaizumi stopped.

“We’re...cutting your hair? Don’t you remember?”

Oikawa’s face scrunched into one of concentration, until his eyes lit up in recognition. 

“Oh right! Sorry, I...forgot.” 

That made Iwaizumi worried, but he decided that talking about it right now wouldn’t be the most beneficial thing in the world.

_Memory loss…_

“Ok, I’m starting.”

He walked until he was faced with the back of Oikawa’s head. Long brown locks flowed down and were slightly damp from the shower, and it covered the nape of Oikawa’s neck. Iwaizumi grabbed a piece of hair, and slowly raised the scissors to the beautiful strands. 

_Snip._

Hair fell to the floor, and Iwaizumi ran his hand through Oikawa’s hair, mixing the shorter strands back with the longer. His hair was even softer than Iwaizumi had imagined. They weaved through his fingers like water, and the act of running his hands through those silken locks soothed him to a point of bliss. A faint hint of lavender rose to meet his nose, and he greedily inhaled. It was a calming scent, and it never failed to help Iwaizumi relax. He grabbed more and continued to cut.

_Snip. Snip._

Once most of the hair was shorter and looked the same length, Iwaizumi backed up to observe his work. There were some uneven ends that he would have to go back and cut shorter so that it would look straight, but it didn’t look too bad. 

“How does it look, Iwa-chan?” 

“Hmmm, it’s not too bad. I just have to fix some of the ends.”

There was a sound of affirmation, and then Iwaizumi continued to even out the rest of the hair until everything looked smooth and put together. 

_Not too bad if I do say so myself._

“Ok, I’m done.”

Oikawa got up and bent his head closer to the mirror. He ran his own hands through the now short hair, and smiled a little.

“Looks good, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi sighed in relief. Thank god Oikawa liked it. The amount of stress that was running through his body at being entrusted to cut someone’s hair had taken at least five years out of his lifespan. 

“Good, now help me clean up this mess on the floor.”

* * *

**May**

Once again, they were walking in the park, watching the sun set and life move on. 

“Iwa-chan, what do you think we would be doing if I wasn’t sick?” 

Iwaizumi didn’t know how to answer that question. It would probably be volleyball, or studying. But those realities seemed so far out of reach, and he didn’t even know if he would be able to recognize himself from five months ago, only worries of waking up early enough to get to practice or handing in an assignment due the next day. 

“I’m not sure, Tooru.” 

It was silent. Tokyo was never silent. People were awake all hours of the day. 

But it was silent. It was a deafening silence for Iwaizumi whose reality was one he could not even dream of. Everything seemed like a horrible nightmare, one where he would wake up and it would be a normal day. 

It was silent. 

* * *

“Tooru!” 

It had been the third time that Oikawa had fallen that day, and it was starting to become clear that he shouldn’t be walking around alone anymore. 

“I’m fine, Iwa-chan. Just got a little dizzy.” Iwaizumi knew better than to be fooled by Oikawa’s weak attempt at a lie. 

“No. From now on, if you’re moving around, I’m going to carry you, or at least help you. There’s no way I’m going to let you continue to fall and be a hazard to yourself.” 

There was a groan, but no resistance. Oikawa knew that he was getting worse. That he needed help to move around the apartment. 

He knew that he was dying.

* * *

“Iwa-chan!” 

Iwaizumi snapped awake, and pulled his sheets off his legs as he hurried to Oikawa’s room. 

For some reason, Oikawa had decided that he wanted to sleep in his own room for a night, and told Iwaizumi he would be fine alone. He had been hesitant to comply, but listened anyway. Oikawa had his headphones, and Iwaizumi had hoped that Oikawa would get a few hours of sleep. 

_I guess that's off the table._

He opened the door to see Oikawa lying on the bed, sheets tangled around his legs. He was lying there, still and panting, until suddenly his legs jerked and he was shaking on his blankets. Iwaizumi’s eyes widened, and he remembered.

_Muscle spasms._

“Tooru, let me get some painkillers.” Iwaizumi turned and raced to the kitchen, trying to ignore Oikawa’s whimpering in the other room. He hurriedly opened the cupboard and took out the bottle of painkillers that the doctor had prescribed for when Oikawa would have muscle spasms that were severe. Iwaizumi grabbed a bottle of water and shook out two tablets onto his hand, before sprinting back to Oikawa. 

He was still lying in bed, forehead scrunched in pain and his eyes were closed. It seemed the spasm had died down, and Oikawa was trying to breathe. Just as Iwaizumi entered, he saw Oikawa flinch again, and knew that another was starting soon. He quickly placed the water on the floor and tried to help Oikawa sit up without hurting him. Once he was situated, Iwaizumi put the tablets in his mouth, then opened the bottle of water and placed it against Oikawa’s lips. He seemed too weak to move, so Iwaizumi tilted his head back and slowly poured the water into his mouth. Oikawa swallowed, and took a few breaths before Iwaizumi felt his body tense again. 

He tried to move the sheets to the side so Oikawa’s legs wouldn’t get even more tangled, just before he knew his body would jerk again. He climbed onto the bed with Oikawa so he could hold him more securely, and leaned his back against the wall. He held Oikawa to his chest before his whole body spasmed and he started crying into Iwaizumi’s chest. 

He had seen muscle spasms before, but these were different. They shook Oikawa’s entire body, and it wasn’t just a single place. His arms, legs, and back were all shaking, strong enough that if there were any hard objects nearby, it would hurt him. It took all of Iwaizumi’s strength to try to keep him still, not wanting him to hit his body on the wall or edges of the bed. 

“Iwa-chan…” He could hear Oikawa gasp through the pain, trying to get oxygen into his lungs. His body jerked for a few more seconds, until it seemed to die down. Iwaizumi sighed in relief, and tried to get Oikawa to talk to him. 

“Hey, Tooru. Where does it hurt?” Oikawa shuddered in his arms, and he took a deep breath before opening his mouth. 

“I-it's mainly in my legs. But my back is spasming too, so it’s moving my entire body.” He took a shaky inhale, trying to calm down. “It hurts so much, Iwa-chan.” 

Iwaizumi moved his hands to Oikawa’s back, trying to massage the muscle. They were hard as a rock, and as he slowly pushed and rubbed, he heard Oikawa take a breath, then slightly relax. He tried to keep the pressure on the places where it seemed the worse. 

Suddenly, he felt Oikawa go rigid, and knew another was coming. 

This one was so much worse. 

Oikawa curled his body trying to lessen the pain, burying his face into Iwaizumi’s stomach. He was shaking from the exertion, and tried to still his muscles, but his legs and back tensed up, making him jolt and shake in Iwaizumi’s arms. He was silently crying, small gasps making their way through his lips. They seemed to stop for a while and Iwaizumi thought that it had ended, until suddenly Oikawa’s back arched and he _screamed._

“Tooru! Tooru, I’m right here!” Iwaizumi tried to help. He tried to hold Oikawa down, tried to talk to him and remind him that he was there, but it seemed Oikawa was lost in the pain. His whole body was pulled taut, and his eyes were closed. He was sobbing and crying, mumbling words that Iwaizumi couldn’t make out. It felt like years until the jerking turned into twitchings, before slowly stopping. 

“Tooru.” Iwaizumi tried to catch Oikawa’s attention, and his eyes slowly opened. Iwaizumi gazed into the eyes that shone with tears, seeing the stars that sparkled in those beautiful chocolate orbs. 

“Make it go away, Iwa-chan. Please, make the pain go away.”

It _hurt_ Iwaizumi to see Oikawa in so much pain. He was almost tempted to give him another dose of painkillers, but he knew that was just his emotions talking. Instead, he pulled Oikawa closer. 

“I’m sorry, Tooru. I’m so sorry.” He could only hold on tight as the body in his arms went rigid, and another wave of spasms ran through Oikawa, taking him to a place where Iwaizumi wouldn’t be able to follow. 

* * *

The next morning, Iwaizumi walked into the bathroom to take a shower. He looked into the mirror, and was horrified with what he saw. His eyes were sunken, the dark circles seeming endlessly deep. There was a slight hint of stubble along his chin, and his hair had grown out again, hanging down the back of his neck and getting into his eyes. It looked like he had lost a little weight too, but that couldn’t compare to how much Oikawa has lost. 

Almost all of the healthy muscle Oikawa gained from volleyball had deteriorated, and it barely took any effort for Iwaizumi to carry him from place to place. It got even harder to get Oikawa to eat something, because he was either too tired or had no appetite. Iwaizumi was really thinking that at this point Oikawa might actually starve to death. On some good days, he could get a little bit of soup into Oikawa, but more often than not, any attempts at food were faced with a small shake of a head.

Oikawa’s body didn’t respond to him either. He would try to move his leg, but it wouldn’t follow what he wanted them to do or jolted when he tried to keep them still. 

Iwaizumi had gathered Oikawa in his arms every time that happened, wiping the tears that slowly dripped from his eyes. 

Oikawa’s spasms had lasted for another hour, but they seemed to be less painful as the drugs ran through Oikawa’s body. Once they were over, Oikawa collapsed and fell asleep, sweat lining his forehead and breath coming in shallow gasps. It was a relief, even if Oikawa’s only source of rest was because his body was too exhausted to keep him awake. 

Iwaizumi had taken a cloth and tried to wipe most of the tears off of Oikawa’s face, before tucking him in and returning to his room. He was dead tired, but couldn’t even imagine how Oikawa was feeling. 

He groaned and rubbed a hand across his face, before deciding that he didn’t want to leave Oikawa alone. Leaving the bathroom, he crept back to Oikawa’s room, and seeing him resting peacefully, lifted the covers and got in next to him. Seeming to sense his body, he felt Oikawa press tightly into his side and burrow his face into Iwaizumi’s neck. He wrapped his arm around Oikawa, and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Oikawa had woken up and wanted a shower. Iwaizumi had said no.

“But Iwa-channnn. I feel so gross right now, and my hair is greasy too.” He looked up at Iwaizumi with begging eyes, trying to summon a shred of sympathy in Iwaizumi. 

“Tooru, you literally can’t move right now.”

Oikawa turned his head and stuck his nose up. “You can help me, Iwa-chan.” He twisted back, and this time, it was almost a desperate look. “Please.” 

Iwaizumi groaned, but decided that Oikawa would only cooperate if he let him. 

“Fine, but I’m staying right beside you, and you’re taking a bath.”

Oikawa waggled his eyebrows and smirked. “You wanna watch me take a bath? Didn’t know you were so forward, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi spluttered, before glaring at Oikawa. “I’m trying to make sure you don’t accidentally fall and crack your head on the bathtub. And don’t worry about me seeing anything, it’s not like I haven’t before.” 

The changing rooms and showers at the gym _really_ had no privacy. 

“Well, you can at least appreciate my beauty, _Iwa-chan_.” 

Iwaizumi blushed, hoping Oikawa didn’t notice the color rising on his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around Oikawa’s back and knees, carrying him to the washroom.

* * *

Oikawa sighed with pleasure when he sunk into the warm water. Iwaizumi sat next to the tub, glancing through his phone before deciding to text Kuroo.

To: Kuroo Tetsurou (sent May 4th at 2:50 p.m.)

[ _Hey Kuroo, Oikawa had a tough night yesterday, and I wanted to treat him, but I can't leave him alone. If you have time, could you get some of Oikawa’s favorite milk bread? I think he would appreciate you being around as well._ ]

“Hey Iwa-chan, whatcha doin?”

Iwaizumi turned his head to see Oikawa looking at him with curiosity. 

“I just asked Kuroo if he would drop by with some milk bread. I thought it might make you feel better.”

Iwaizumi watched as Oikawa’s brows furrowed in confusion, and he looked back down at the water. 

“Kuroo? I’m...I’m not sure who that is, Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi froze. His heart started beating faster, and it seemed like the temperature in the bathroom dropped ten degrees. He turned and stared at Oikawa, who started to squirm under his gaze. “Um, can you stop looking at me like that?” He splashed around in the water, trying to avert Iwaizumi’s attention somewhere else, but failing to. 

_“There will be severe memory loss...”_

Oikawa had forgotten small things, like where he had left his shoes and where he was, but it was never people. He had never forgotten a person. Especially not someone he was close with.

_Oikawa is forgetting._

Oikawa was already forgetting his memory. His friends, his hobbies, his likes and dislikes. Iwaizumi tried to breathe, but it felt like there was something in his throat blocking his airways.

_How long until he forgets me too?_

“Hey Iwa-chan, do you mind washing my hair?” Iwaizumi took deep breaths to try to steady his heart.

The doctors had said this would happen, and he should have been prepared. He thought he had been prepared. 

He focused his attention back on Oikawa, who gestured vaguely at his head. “My arms feel so heavy, and I don’t think I can move them.”

“S-sure Tooru.” Iwaizumi grabbed the shampoo from the side of the tub, and directed Oikawa to turn so that his back would face him. He poured a decent amount of the purple wash into this hand, and faced Oikawa. He slowly slid his hands through Oikawa’s wet hair, lathering the shampoo all over. There was a sound of contentment, and Iwaizumi continued to let his hands move through the dark curls, letting his mind wander.

It hurt to watch Oikawa decline right in front of his eyes. 

Every single day, it seemed harder for him to move around, and often his muscle spasms got so bad that Iwaizumi had to physically restrain him by wrapping him up in a blanket so his limbs wouldn’t splay out and hit anything. Compared to the beginning, it seemed that everything was progressing much faster towards the end. 

Weeks seemed to drag on, but also sped by. Iwaizumi lost all track of time, other than when he would check his phone for messages and would see the date on the screen. It would remind him that his time was limited.

_“Don’t waste your time, Hajime.”_

“Iwa-chan, I’m cold.” He stopped his train of thought to look at Oikawa. The sharp upturn of his nose, the sunken eyes and pale skin. Wet hair clung to his face, and his eyelashes fluttered when he tried to open his eyes. Even sick, he thought Oikawa looked elegant. Delicate. Ephemeral.

_Beautiful._

* * *

“Hey Iwa-chan, why are we up here?” 

Iwaizumi had carried Oikawa up to the roof, seeing as the other didn’t have the energy to move much less walk up three flights of stairs. Although he still had some movement of his limbs, Iwaizumi had decided that it would be easier for him to simply carry Oikawa rather than have him stumble around. 

Hearing Oikawa talk so nonchalantly about their trips to the roof hurt Iwaizumi’s heart. 

Oikawa’s memories had started to disappear more frequently and took longer to return. Most of the time it was just lapses where he couldn’t remember what he had asked Iwaizumi, or what he had been talking about. Sometimes, he forgot entire people and places, but it was rare. 

He seemed to remember Kuroo again after the incident in the bathtub, but Iwaizumi wasn’t taking any chances. He tried to talk more about people and the things Oikawa loved while sitting beside his bed, hoping that it would help Oikawa to remember them better. It seemed to be working, but some days Iwaizumi wondered if it was helping at all. 

“What do you mean, Tooru...you love the stars.” He could Oikawa see fumble with his mind, trying to find the memories that seemed to slip out of his grasp whenever he needed them. And then he saw Oikawa’s face light up.

“Oh yeah!” He immediately turned his gaze back up to the sky. There was a giggle as he tried to reach his hand up towards where the stars were, but his face fell when he realized he couldn’t lift them. 

Iwaizumi noticed how he suddenly went quiet, and quickly took Oikawa’s hands, lacing their fingers together. Then, he raised both their hands up towards the sky, so Oikawa could feel closer to the burning balls of gas that he loved. 

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.” He heard the happiness in Oikawa’s voice, and it made his heart sink. 

_Why are you so happy about this? You shouldn’t be the one stuck here, unable to reach your hand up to the stars. You’re supposed to be healthy, playing volleyball, hanging out with friends. You’re supposed to be able to remember all the people you love._

It was now the beginning of May, and there was a little more than a month left of the time that the doctor had predicted Oikawa would live. Iwaizumi’s chest constricted at the thought. 

_Only a month? Where did the time go?_

Iwaizumi thought back to what Hanamaki had said. 

“ _Don’t waste your time, Hajime.”_

_Have I been wasting time?_

Iwaizumi felt the start of panic start at the base of his stomach. Tooru would be _gone_ in a month. He wouldn’t be able to see his chocolate brown eyes. Wouldn’t be able to touch that soft hair. Wouldn’t be able to hear the soft soothing voice that found him in the darkness of his thoughts. Wouldn’t smell the comforting scent of lavender that only fit Oikawa. He embodied everything Iwaizumi loved; and he would leave soon. In a month. Four weeks. 30 days. 

Oikawa was comfort. He was peace. He was always with Iwaizumi. They had grown up and matured together. They had both joined volleyball at the same time, and were inseparable ever since they were on the same team and practiced together. Oikawa had been such a constant presence in Iwaizumi’s life that he couldn’t even imagine waking up and realizing that he wouldn’t be able to meet Oikawa. It had never happened before. Even when Iwaizumi had been sick, Oikawa had visited him worrying that he would be lonely, and Iwaizumi did the same. They never left the other alone.

Oikawa gave Iwaizumi a kind of peace he couldn’t imagine getting from anyone else. Nothing mattered when Oikawa was around. All his problems faded to the background, Oikawa’s soft laughing sending waves of reassurance through his bones and soothing his disgruntled soul. Iwaizumi was known for being hot-headed and quick to anger, but Oikawa reigned it in. He always had a way of calming Iwaizumi down. Either with a soft touch, or a quiet comment. It never failed to alleviate the rage that simmered below Iwaizumi’s skin.

Everyone thought Oikawa was loud and proud. Prancing around bragging about his skills as a setter and looking down on others who didn’t fit with his standards. Little did they know that what they were seeing was just a mask. The real Oikawa was so incredibly kind. He tried to appear like he didn't care, but the truth was, he cared too much. 

““Hey Iwa-chan, do you know the legend that if you die, you become a star?” Oikawa started to say, gazing up longingly. Iwaizumi felt the pit in his stomach relax, even just momentarily, and the sound of Oikawa’s voice. 

“No I haven't, Tooru. Tell me about it.”

* * *

There was a knock at the door, telling Iwaizumi that Kuroo had arrived. He had called earlier, asking if it was okay to come and visit. Iwaizumi told him it was fine, but was apprehensive.

_What if Oikawa doesn’t remember him? That would break Kuroo’s heart._

“Hey Iwaizumi, how’s Tooru?” Iwaizumi had no answer. He couldn’t tell Kuroo that Oikawa was losing his memories, or that he was barely able to move anymore. 

“He’s...okay. You can come in, I’ll bring him out.” Iwaizumi turned around and headed to Oikawa’s room. He was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, headphones in. There was an expression of peace and content on his face. 

“Hey Tooru, Kuroo’s here.” Eyes fluttered open, and Iwaizumi got to see those beautiful brown eyes again. He would never tire of them. Never.

Oikawa smiled and pulled off his headphones. “Really? Let’s go then! I’ve missed him! But...can I walk on my own? I don’t want to show up with you carrying me…”

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa’s downcast expression and felt helpless to the gnawing dread and anger he felt in his gut.

“Of course, Tooru. Just hold onto me tight, and we can walk out together.”

Oikawa placed his arms around Iwaizumi’s neck, and pushed himself up off the bed. After a slight stumble, he seemed to find his balance and slowly started to move his legs toward the door. Iwaizumi simply supported and walked beside him, making sure Oikawa wouldn’t slip and fall. 

Kuroo waved when he saw Oikawa.

“Hey! You’re up and moving about.” Oikawa grinned and sped up a little. 

Once they reached the couch, he plopped down and sighed in exhaustion.

“Yeah, I convinced Iwa-chan to let me walk. Geez, these days he won’t let me do anything on my own.” Iwaizumi grimaced, but lightened up when he realized Oikawa was just joking. There was gratitude written all over his face, and it made his heart a bit lighter. 

“Alright, I’m gonna get something to eat and go to my room. You guys enjoy your...quality time.” 

Kuroo only snickered, and Oikawa giggled. 

“We will, Iwa-chan!”

* * *

When Iwaizumi went back out to the living room to check on them after an hour, it was to see Kuroo and Oikawa chatting comfortably on the couch. 

When Oikawa had turned to see Iwaizumi standing there, he brightened. 

“Iwa-chan! I missed you. Come sit with us.”

Iwazumi grumbled something about “ _what happened to quality time_ ” but went to join them nonetheless. 

They continued to chat about how Kuroo was doing, and what was happening around campus. Oikawa seemed to miss seeing all the people as he moved from class to class, and Iwaizumi couldn’t blame him. 

Kuroo started to get up. “I’m going to go to the washroom really quick.”

“Ok Tetsu-chan! Don’t drown in the toilet!” 

“Bro…I would never.” He smirked. “I’m too built to fit in it anyway.” There was a cackle as he walked away. 

Oikawa was positively beaming, and Iwaizumi was glad that there was some sense of normalcy he could get when Kuroo visited. The smile on Oikawa’s face was bright enough to light up the entire night sky, and Iwaizumi felt calm and relaxed after seeing that Oikawa was doing better.

Iwaizumi should have known better than to jinx himself.

When Kuroo walked out of the bathroom after a few minutes, Iwaizumi saw Oikawa’s eyes widen in confusion, and knew what was happening. 

He tried to stop the impending disaster that was about to happen. “Kuroo, go back inside.” 

There was confusion in those hazel eyes. “What? Why?”

Iwaizumi shivered at the next words that left Oikawa’s mouth.

“Who’s this, Iwa-chan? Is it your friend?” 

Everything stopped. Iwaizumi saw Kuroo’s eyes widen, before tears started to fill them. 

“Tooru? You...don’t remember me?” 

“Um...no? Do I know you?” 

That was the exact moment that Iwaizumi saw Kuroo break. Tears started to run down his cheeks, and he nearly collapsed on the floor in front of the bathroom door. Iwaizumi hurried over to where he was crouched over, sobbing. 

“Hajime, he doesn't remember me. He doesn’t remember me.” Kuroo bit his hand, trying to stop the cries from leaving his mouth. Iwaizumi could only sit and rub his back, trying to soothe the pain he knew was ripping Kuroo apart from the inside out. 

“I’m so sorry, Tetsurou.” There were no other words he could say. There was nothing he could do that would make the situation better. Oikawa was getting worse, and there was nothing Iwaizumi could do. There was nothing Iwaizumi could do as Oikawa’s brain turned against him. There was nothing Iwaizumi could do as Oikawa slowly forgot the people around him. 

Kuroo continued to sob, and there was nothing Iwaizumi could do as he watched his friend shatter right in front of him.

* * *

Kuroo had left soon after, trying to stop the tears pouring out of his eyes. Oikawa had continued to sit on the couch in confusion, not understanding why Kuroo had cried when he asked who he was. 

When Iwaizumi had carried Oikawa back to his room, he promptly collapsed on his bed and fell asleep. After a few days of no rest, the events of the day seemed to catch up to him, and even his insomnia couldn’t keep him awake. Iwaizumi walked up to the roof, trying to find some peace and quiet where there was no reminder of everything that had transpired. 

The cool wind that once blew in the winter was replaced with a humid one, signifying the approach of summer and the few months of heat that it would bring. The stars glittered brightly in the sky, seeming to ignore the frustration that was coursing through Iwaizumi’s body.

Watching Kuroo cry had broken something in him. A place that he kept locked up, sealed tightly behind stone walls had begun to crumble, and it was taking Iwaizumi down with it. All of his emotions seemed to overflow, threatening to drown him in a torrent of rage and pain. 

“Please…” he whispered out, “Stop this nightmare. Make it stop. I’ll...I’ll take Tooru’s place. I’ll suffer for him. Just...just let him live.” 

There was no answer. 

Iwaizumi couldn’t understand. He _wouldn’t._

“I’ve asked, over and over. Why Tooru? Why him? Was it something I did? Did I make a mistake? Why is it that he is suffering?!”

There was no answer.

Iwaizumi broke. Months worth of anguish and bitterness tore from his body in the form of questions. In prayers. Questions that he had asked since he found out that Oikawa was dying. Prayers that he made over and over in his heart, silently, even if he didn’t believe they would come true.

“Why?! Let me take his place!” He pleaded, he _begged._ “LET ME TAKE HIS PLACE!”

Iwaizumi collapsed on the hard cement floor, sobbing while his heart cracked and splintered in his chest. 

There was no answer. 

The heavens were silent, and the stars grieved.

* * *

**June**

The next week was peaceful. Well, as peaceful as it could get. Oikawa still had hallucinations, but most of them seemed to be harmless, and he had the headphones for when the sounds would become too loud. Nightmares became a frequent occurrence, and it deprived Oikawa of the sleep that had already become so rare. 

He would wake up, shaking and shuddering, until Iwaizumi would pull him closer to his chest and murmur words of comfort. Trips outside became scarce, if not nonexistent. A window open seemed to be enough fresh air to keep Oikawa content.

Hours of not eating turned into days. Oikawa would lose his appetite and refuse food, grimacing at the thought of having to chew and swallow. Even at the insistence of Iwaizumi to have a mouthful of soup, it took a few minutes for Oikawa to be able to move his muscles so that he could swallow the broth. 

Everytime Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, he would see someone smaller, weaker, and more fragile than the person he had known months ago. Oikawa looked like someone who was—

_Dying. Tooru looks like someone who’s dying._

* * *

Iwaizumi woke up to silent sobs. He felt the body next to him shaking, and he shook his head groggily. 

“Tooru? What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. I-I’m so sorry. I couldn’t control it and it just-”

Iwaizumi smelt the acrid scent, and then knew what had happened. Oikawa was shaking, and he averted his gaze out of embarrassment. 

Iwaizumi tried to soothe him, “Hey, hey Tooru. It’s fine. Let’s get out of the bed okay?” Iwaizumi picked Oikawa up, ignoring the wetness he felt on his pants. He moved Oikawa’s arms so that they were wrapped around his neck, and Oikawa buried face in his chest. 

_He doesn’t weigh anything._

Iwaizumi placed Oikawa on the bathroom floor, and left to get a new pair of clothes for both him and Oikawa. When he returned, Oikawa looked about ready to pass out, barely keeping his eyes open. 

“Tooru, do you want to take a bath?” Oikawa nodded, and Iwaizumi went over to the tub and turned the tap on, while keeping a hand on Oikawa to make sure he didn’t fall over. He tested the water to make sure it was the right temperature, then turned the knob off and turned back around. “I’m going to take off your clothes now, okay?” 

After a sound of affirmation, Iwaizumi slowly started to lift the shirt off Oikawa. He choked back a gasp as he looked at his body. Even after the multiple times he had changed Oikawa’s clothes or given him a bath, he never failed to be taken aback by the skinny body in front of him.

There was almost no fat on him anywhere, and Oikawa’s ribs protruded from the sides of his chest and stomach. His collarbone was stark against the sunken skin around it, and Iwaizumi could almost recognize every part of the bone. 

He saw the rise and fall of Oikawa’s chest, grateful that he was still able to breathe when it seemed like there was nothing protecting his precious lungs and heart. 

“Is it that bad?” Oikawa mumbled. He looked up to see a pale face and tired eyes. They looked so dull, and it pained Iwaizumi to see them lack the spark they normally had. 

He shook his head. “No, it’s fine.” Iwaizumi quickly shed Oikawa of the rest of his layers, and gently picked him up. He slowly lowered him into the water, and Oikawa relaxed when his body was enveloped by the warmth. Iwaizumi had to hold Oikawa the whole time in the bath, because he couldn’t do it himself. There was a high chance that Oikawa would drown if Iwaizumi let go of him for as much as a second, and he wasn’t going to take any chances. 

Iwaizumi sat there holding Oikawa up, trying to find a way to express his thoughts without it sounding too harsh. 

“Tooru, let’s go to the hospital.”

* * *

_“Hello?”_

Iwaizumi sighed in relief when Kuroo answered.

“Hey Kuroo. Sorry to bother you this late at night.” He could hear shuffling on the other end, then a yawn.

_“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. What’s up?”_

Iwaizumi sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. “I want to take Tooru to the hospital.” There was silence. 

_“Is it that bad?”_ He could feel the shakiness in Kuroo’s voice, and he looked toward the living room. Oikawa was laying on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket so that he wouldn’t get cold. Iwaizumi had dried his hair with a towel and dressed him in clean clothes before taking a shower himself and cleaning up the sheets.

“Yeah, I think it’s time to go.”

He heard a sharp intake of breath. _“Okay, I’ll be there soon.”_

“Kuroo-” He started before the other hung up. There was silence. “Thank you.” 

_“Don’t mention it.”_

* * *

When Kuroo knocked on the door, Oikawa had started next to Iwaizumi. It seemed that he had been on the verge of falling asleep, but Iwaizumi knew better. Sleep came so much harder for Oikawa than it did him. 

He opened the door for Kuroo, and then turned back to Oikawa.

“Hey Tooru, I’m gonna put this jacket on you. Do you want to keep the blanket?”

Oikawa gave a small grumble, and nodded, burrowing further into the soft fabric. Iwaizumi pulled a winter coat over Oikawa, and zipped it up around the blanket and all. It barely even stretched, accommodating the extra layer without any problem. Iwaizumi gazed at Oikawa’s face, then turned his gaze back up to Kuroo. His eyes were watering, and Iwaizumi could see how much it hurt his friend to see Oikawa in this state. 

He turned his attention back to Oikawa, and slowly slid his arms under the frail body. Pulling him up, Iwaizumi started to walk towards the door. 

“Let’s go.”

* * *

When they got to the hospital, the staff immediately recognized him and hurried Iwaizumi and Oikawa into a room. Upon entering, Iwaizumi walked up to the bed and gently placed Oikawa into it, making sure to keep the blanket wrapped around his small frame but removing the jacket so Oikawa would be more comfortable. His eyes slowly flickered, and he smiled up at Iwaizumi. 

“Thank you…” Oikawa’s forehead crinkled, until the name came to him. He sighed, “Thank you, Iwa-chan.” 

Kuroo walked in and slumped into the chair that was opposite of the door and against a large glass window. Iwaizumi followed, but went around him to close the blinds. Then he heard a grunt from the bed, and he turned around to face Oikawa.

His voice came out as a croak. “Can you leave them open? I...I want to see the stars. I don’t know why, but I feel like I need to see them.” 

Iwaizumi burst into tears right then and there.

* * *

The same doctor who had talked to Iwaizumi about Oikawa’s diagnosis appeared after a few minutes. He took one look at Iwaizumi’s face and knew he had been crying. 

“I’m...sorry.” 

Iwaizumi simply nodded. There was nothing else to say. 

* * *

Iwaizumi woke up with a crick in his neck. He groaned as he regained consciousness, and realized why. He had fallen asleep in the hospital chair, which did nothing for his spine. 

There was a snore on his right, and he looked over to see Kuroo slumped over as well. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, and the red jacket he wore over a black shirt was crinkled. 

“Oi, Kuroo. Wake up.” There was a groan, and Kuroo slowly blinked his eyes and he sat up as he took in his surroundings. 

“Wha—oh right.” He stretched his arms above his head, and moved to gaze to rest on the figure laying on the bed. “Is he…?” 

Iwaizumi walked up to Oikawa, and looked at him. His chest was moving up and down evenly, and it was deep enough that Iwaizumi knew that he was sleeping. 

“Yeah, he’s sleeping.” 

The doctor had explained what they had planned to do with Oikawa. There wasn’t a cure, but they would do their best to make him comfortable for his stay. Iwaizumi had simply nodded, too tired to fully process the information, and collapsed onto the chair as soon as the doctor had left. Apparently Kuroo had stayed the night as well. 

“Don’t you have school, Kuroo?” Iwaizumi asked, because Kuroo shouldn’t be spending his time at the hospital instead of attending university or volleyball practice. 

Kuroo grimaced. “It’s summer break, Iwaizumi. Haven’t you checked the calendar?” 

Iwaizumi pulled out his phone and checked the date. _June 4th._ Summer break started sometime in the first week of June, so Iwaizumi knew that Kuroo must have gotten out recently.

“There’s still volleyball practice though, right? You should go to that.”

Kuroo sighed, “Coach gave us a month off. He knows that Oikawa is...getting sicker, so he told us to take a bit of a break. Even if they weren’t super close, the team cared about him, Iwaizumi. We’ve all been affected since he left.”

Iwaizumi opened his mouth to respond, but there was a whimper from the mess of blankets on the bed. He whipped his head around to see Oikawa squirming around. He almost disappeared in the hordes of fabric. 

“Iwa-chan? Are you there?” He could hear the tremble in Oikawa’s voice, and walked next to the bed and sat on the plastic chair next to Oikawa’s head.

“I’m here, Tooru.” 

There was a moment of silence, before—

“Where?” 

Iwaizumi froze. His eyes snapped up to meet Kuroo’s, and he knew the horrified expression that Kuroo wore matched the one on his face. 

“What do you mean, Tooru? I’m right here.”

There was a whine, then a soft, “I can’t see you.” 

Iwaizumi moved the blankets to see Oikawa’s face better. His eyes were open, and he was facing Iwaizumi, but there was no recognition. He waved his hand in front of Oikawa’s face, but it was met with no response. Iwaizumi heard a strangled sound from behind him, and he nearly fell to his knees on the floor. But Oikawa was scared. Even if his eyes didn’t show it, his expression was one of panic. 

“I can’t see you, Iwa-chan! Where are you? I can’t see you, I can’t-” There were choked cries that left his mouth, and Iwaizumi moved until his face was right next to Oikawa’s. He carefully grabbed Oikawa’s hands, and placed them on his face. He let those thin, long fingers trace his cheekbones. They moved over his lips, his nose, and his eyes. With what little control Oikawa had left of his body, Iwaizumi felt those beautiful hands run over his face, etching his features into a memory that was soon to disappear. 

“I’m right here, Tooru. I’m right here.” 

Iwaizumi didn’t care that Kuroo was crying behind him, loud sobs ringing through the room. He didn’t care that the doctor entered the room, looking in confusion at the scene in front of him. 

He only cared that Oikawa knew he was there. 

“I’m here, Tooru.”

* * *

Iwaizumi was on the roof of the hospital. It was much higher than the apartment, and he couldn’t help but think that Oikawa would have liked to come up here. Would have liked to be closer to the stars he admired and feel the wind run through his hair. 

“Iwaizumi.” 

He started and turned to see Kuroo walking up to him. He had gone home to change, but had returned right away. There was a black hoodie replacing the red jacket he had arrived in the day before, and he wore sweatpants and a pair of slippers. His bed head was as crazy as usual, sticking up and covering his right eye. A hand was shoved into the pocket of his hoodie, and he smelt of fresh cologne and shaving cream.

“Hey, Kuroo. How’s Oikawa?” After Oikawa went blind, the whole hospital had gone into a riot. They were trying to observe the symptoms, and it took all of Iwaizumi’s determination not to scream at them. They were invading Oikawa’s privacy, and he didn’t like it. 

They didn’t need tests when a person was dying. They didn’t need to make observations when Iwaizumi’s world was crumbling around him. They didn’t need Oikawa when he was _Iwaizumi’s._

“He’s apparently sleeping again. That’s what the nurse said, but then again, they don’t know Tooru very well. You’re probably the only one who can tell if he’s really sleeping or not.”

Iwaizumi straightened his neck to look out toward the city. The lights were blinking, cars were driving past, and people were laughing and talking on the street. None of them knew that Iwaizumi’s world was ending. He felt a slow, simmering rage start to grow in his chest. It threatened to spread, catch on his whole body until he was burning from the inside out. 

It wasn’t _fair._

“I know it isn’t fair.” Iwaizumi jerked as Kuroo’s deep voice responded from behind him.

_I must have said that out loud._

“Why Tooru?” Iwaizumi asked the question he had been desperate to know. He wanted an answer. The heavens should have granted him that one wish. 

_Why Tooru? Why couldn’t it have been me? Why him?_

“I don’t know, Iwaizumi.” Kuroo sounded lost, defeated. “I don’t understand why this is happening to Tooru. He didn’t deserve this.” He ran a head through his messy hair, before continuing.

“He had so much he wanted to do, Hajime. He told me how he wanted to play volleyball with you until you were old and gray. He wanted to travel with you, take you to Argentina or some other country in South America. He told me he would drag you across the entire world and show you all the sights that he thought you would like. Go ice-skating, surfing, snorkeling. Eat at fancy restaurants, take a cruise on an expensive ship.”

Iwaizumi felt his eyes fill with tears as Kuroo’s listed off Oikawa’s plans. Wishes that he would never be able to fulfill. 

“He knew that you had always wanted to see an Olympic volleyball game in real life, so he vowed that he would get on the team so that you could watch him play, and brag to everyone that the person playing out on the court was your best friend.” 

Iwaizumi heard Kuroo’s voice break at the last word, and it took all of his might not to fall onto the floor and curl up into a ball. A strangled cry latched onto his throat, and Iwaizumi had to tighten his hold on the metal bars of the roof to keep himself upright. 

“There were so many things he wanted to do. And you know what? Every single one of them included you. Every trip, every game, every minute of his life was full of you, Iwaizumi. It was like you were a part of his body, his heart, his _soul._ He couldn’t imagine a future without you, and I’m sure you can’t either.”

At this point, Iwaizumi couldn’t hold back his tears, and they flowed freely down his cheeks.

“So Iwaizumi, tell him. I know you feel the same way about him, so tell him that. Don’t waste any more time.”

An ugly sob ripped from Iwaizumi’s lips, and then he was crumbling. All of his desperation, pain, sadness washed over him in one large wave. They carried him out to the ocean, and then he was drowning. 

Watching Oikawa deteriorate, watching him lose himself, was a kind of pain that Iwaizumi didn’t know he could experience. It tore his heart apart at the seams, and crushed his soul. Pieces of himself drifted off in the waves, and Iwaizumi didn’t know if he would be able to get them back. 

He was sinking, and Iwaizumi let the water carry him down to the bottom of the ocean floor. 

* * *

“Iwa-chan?” 

Iwaizumi jerked up in his seat, and made his way to Oikawa. It had been days since he was admitted, and his symptoms had slowly been getting worse. The doctor said that he probably only had a few more days, and Iwaizumi had felt the urge to throw something. 

Now, Oikawa couldn’t remember much about anyone. He forgot he had been in the hospital, and thought he was back at home with his parents. It took Iwaizumi a while to convince him that he wasn’t back home, and that his parents weren’t here. 

Oikawa began to forget things about himself. He forgot his passion for volleyball, and his competitive nature. He forgot about Kageyama, the one setter he thought was better than him. He forgot about the shrimp, Hinata, and how his natural athletic ability and agility was something that he envied. He forgot about Takeru, and his love for his nephew. He forgot that he loved milk bread, and would have eaten it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if Iwaizumi would let him. 

But most importantly, he forgot about the stars. He forgot how he had always stared up at the sky, wishing that he could join them. He forgot the nights he spent with Iwaizumi, dragging him to the rooftop of their apartment, staring into the sky for hours. No matter what day, no matter how tired he was, Oikawa always went. He forgot all about how raved on for hours about how he was going to become a star when he died. 

“I’m here, Tooru.” He held Oikawa’s hand, and sat on the chair next to him. “What’s the matter? Does something hurt?”

“No. I’m cold.” He felt Oikawa shiver, and he immediately stood up.

“You want me to get you another blanket? Or maybe a hot water bottle?” 

Oikawa shook his head, or well, tried to. It was just a small twitch of his neck, but Iwaizumi knew what he was doing. 

“Lay with me, Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi stilled, but then slowly crept towards the bed. He lifted the blankets, and carefully slid in next to Oikawa. A small sigh of contentment left his lips, and Iwaizumi gently moved his arm underneath Oikawa’s neck and brought him closer. Oikawa was nearly draped over his body, but Iwaizumi didn’t care. He could feel Oikawa’s heart beat through the thin fabric of the hospital gown, and it was a gentle reminder that Oikawa was alive. 

Oikawa felt so fragile. Iwaizumi felt his bones stick out of his joints, and he weighed little to nothing laying on Iwaizumi’s chest. His breathing was shallow and weak, only interrupted occasionally by a whimper when a small jolt ran though his body. It seemed even his nerves didn’t have the energy to create the violent spasms that had riddled his body with pain only a short month before. 

Oikawa was dying, and Iwaizumi was watching him. 

* * *

The doctors occasionally came to check on Oikawa, but there wasn’t much they could do, so they simply popped their heads in to make sure everything was all right. 

Kuroo visited as often as he could, usually staying the night. He slept with Oikawa as well, holding him close and murmuring in his ear. 

Even though he was taking a break from practice, he talked about volleyball. The new play styles that the coach had made after Oikawa had left, and the games they played. He talked about their wins and losses; told him it wasn’t the same without him there. 

He talked about the team and how much they missed him. Missed how he was a bright light shining on the court, sending encouraging words and advice. Missed the way he was able to discover everyone’s skill, even ones the coach hadn’t seen. Missed the way he was able to draw every hitter’s full potential. 

Kuroo knew Oikawa didn’t know who he was, or what he was talking about, but he still came. 

* * *

A strangled cry ripped through the room, and Iwaizumi bolted up from where he was sitting. Oikawa was shaking on the bed, his whole body jolting and spasming, and Iwaizumi could see the pain on Oikawa’s face. He pushed the emergency button on the side of the bed before jumping onto the bed himself to hold Oikawa. There were tears leaking from his eyes, and Iwaizumi raised his hand to wipe them away. He was so, so pale, and there was a sheen of sweat lining his forehead. Oikawa had no control over his limbs at all, so he couldn’t even try to stay still as his muscles tense and jerked. 

He was a victim of his own body. 

Oikawa continued to sob, the jerking of his body slightly lessened by Iwaizumi’s hold on him.

“Iwa-chan, it h-hurts. Please, make it stop.” 

Iwaizumi couldn’t do anything but watch as Oikawa begged for him to take the pain away. He felt angry and helpless. There was absolutely _nothing_ that he could do, and the fact made him furious. He wanted to do something. He _had_ to do something. He had to help Oikawa. 

When the doctors rushed in, Iwaizumi glared at them.  
  


“Do something! He’s in pain! Give him something, just make his pain stop!” The doctors ran around the room, one grabbing Oikawa’s morphine drip and increasing the dosage. Some of them tried to reach for Oikawa, but Iwaizumi growled and held him protectively to his chest. 

“Don’t. Touch. Him.” They held up their hands in surrender, and Iwaizumi continued to hold Oikawa as his spasms slowly died down. His breathing was even more shallow than normal, and he gave one last weak “Iwa-chan” before drifting off into unconsciousness.

The next morning, Oikawa didn’t know who he was anymore.

* * *

The next few days were a haze in his memory. Iwaizumi spent his time sitting in the chair next to the window or laying in bed with Oikawa. Whenever Iwaizumi went near and touched him, Oikawa would ask who he was. He couldn’t recognize anyone anymore, and he had disassociated himself from the world. 

Iwaizumi could feel Oikawa breathing next to him, and when he turned to face him, he realized that Oikawa didn’t smell like lavender. He smelled like the hospital. 

Iwaizumi felt panic at the thought and his heart started to race. The comforting scent of Oikawa’s shampoo wasn’t there. It felt like Oikawa wasn’t there. Everything that made him Oikawa was gone, except for the shell of a body lying on the hospital bed. 

The Oikawa that had grown up with him, played volleyball with him, laughed and cried with him, was gone. 

* * *

The coffee was dark and bitter. Just like it had been in December.

Kuroo had dragged Iwaizumi out of Oikawa’s room and taken him to the hospital cafeteria, trying to get him to eat something.

“Please, Hajime. You have to eat something.” There was a hint of desperation in his voice, and Iwaizumi obliged. 

He grabbed the sandwich that Kuroo had placed in front of him, and took a bite. It was bland, tasteless. It felt like sawdust in his mouth, but he continued to chew. Then swallowed. He repeated the motion on instinct rather than purpose, his body doing it’s best to keep him alive. 

_Unlike Oikawa’s body. It’s killing him._

“I know it hurts, Hajime, but stay strong. For Tooru.”

Iwaizumi swallowed back a sob, and nodded.

“For Tooru.”

* * *

It was dark, and the stars were shining through the window of the room. Iwaizumi found himself looking at the sky more often these days, if not for himself, then for Oikawa. Kuroo had gone home earlier that afternoon at the insistence of Iwaizumi. He was staring at the dark expanse of the galaxy when he heard a soft voice behind him. 

“Iwa-chan?” 

His head whipped around at the familiar name, and rushed to the side of the bed. 

“Tooru? You...you remember me?” The sides of Oikawa’s lips twitched upward, and his eyes opened. Iwaizumi got to see those beautiful eyes again. Those beautiful swirls of black and brown intermingling in the iris. They spoke of pain and happiness. Fear and contentment. Suffering and love. 

They were the eyes of Oikawa Tooru. 

“Of course, I remember you Iwa-chan.” He sighs, and Iwaizumi sensed a weariness in his voice. “What day is it today?” 

Iawaizumi turned his phone on and quickly glanced at the date before turning back to Oikawa. 

“It’s July 10th. Why?”

He sees Oikawa smile. It’s that beautiful smile that he adored. It made him feel happy. Healed. _Whole._

“Happy Birthday, Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi’s breath hitched in his throat. “I know this is selfish of me, but I have one last wish to make. Can you grant it for me?” 

Iwaizumi nodded his head frantically. He would do anything to grant his wish. He would fight the heavens, side with the demons, only if he could do this one last thing for Oikawa.

A soft voice enters his ears, and it was all Iwaizumi could do to stop himself from sobbing.

“Take me to see the stars.”

* * *

Sometime during the night, Oikawa’s heart stopped beating. 

* * *

Iwaizumi woke up to a cold body. 

“Tooru?”

He grasped at the hand, trying to find the warmth that had been there the night before. To find any trace of the person that had made him feel accepted. Gave him a purpose and future. To find any trace of Oikawa.

There wasn’t any response, and Iwaizumi clutched the limp body to his chest. He clutched at the last shreds of tangible evidence that Oikawa had existed before he was taken away. He clutched at the last piece of Oikawa he would have ever again. 

An indescribable devastation settled on his bones. It stole the breath from his lungs and crushed his heart until he could feel the pressure of the invisible hand that had taken his whole world. The ribs that sheltered his chest tore and cracked under the weight of his grief, and a wretched sob clawed its way out of his throat.

He burrowed his nose into the cold neck, trying to find a trace of Oikawa’s scent on the body, that precious lavender that had soothed and comforted him in his time of need. 

It wasn’t there.

There was only the scent of the hospital. The scent of a disease that had taken away the most precious person in his life. 

His heart felt like a traitor. It still beat even when it felt like there was nothing to beat for. It still beat even when the reason for his existence was gone. His heart still continued to beat while the one next to him didn’t. 

Iwaizumi clutched at the man who was his whole world, and cried. 

* * *

Iwaizumi placed the box on the table, and stared at it. A beautiful mess of veins ran across the wood, and a single star was engraved on the lid. A metal clasp sat at the centre of the front, locking the lid down to protect the precious secrets it contained. It’s exactly the type of box that Oikawa would pick, simple but complex at the same time. 

Just like him. 

Iwaizumi raised his hands to the lid, but hesitated. He wanted to open it, to see the remnants of what Oikawa left him, but was too scared. Afraid. 

_Terrified._

Terrified of what he might find inside.

Iwaizumi ran his hands through his hair and stood up, pacing through the living room. 

He felt the empty space that Oikawa had left in his heart. He ached to feel some connection to Oikawa again; to touch his beautiful face, rake his hands through those gorgeous brown locks, trace his pink plump lips. 

He wanted Oikawa. Wanted the person who had accepted him, who made him feel safe and secure. Oikawa was the only person who made him feel complete, whole, _loved._

Except Oikawa wasn’t here, and the box is sitting _right there._ It was tempting him, calling out to him, but Iwaizumi couldn’t shake the sense of dread he felt at the thought of opening the box. 

Kuroo had brought it over after Iwaizumi came back from the hospital. He told him that Oikawa had left it with him to give to Iwaizumi. 

He had sat on Oikawa’s bed after returning, looking at the posters around the room. A volleyball rolled around on the floor, neglected and abandoned. He wrapped the blanket around himself, and inhaled. 

_Lavender._

Now he was facing one last remnant that Oikawa had left. He was aching to open it. See what Oikawa had left behind for him. 

Before he could falter again, Iwaizumi flipped the clasp and opened the box. Inside sat a white envelope, surrounded by countless colored pieces of paper. Some were neat and straight while others were haphazardly folded. He lifted the envelope, before carefully opening and unfolding the letter inside.

_Dear Iwa-chan_

_By the time you read this letter, I’ll probably already be in the sky watching over you. Haha, I’m not sure what to write in this letter now that I’m actually trying to. Should I say some cheesy line and make you cringe? But then I would have to see that, and I’m not trying to ruin my first days as a star watching you grimace. I should start at the beginning, I guess. When I got diagnosed in December during our trip to the hospital, it felt like everything was falling apart. I was so scared, and didn’t know what to do. I thought about telling you. Should I? I knew I should, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to see what kind of response you would have. Would you be sad? Disgusted? I couldn’t place this burden on your shoulders, and I was so afraid of what you would think of me now that I had an incurable disease and was probably going to die. So I hid it. I hid it for a whole two months. During the middle, when you could tell something was wrong with me, I told you I had depression. It wasn’t a lie, it just wasn’t the full truth. Your response was both unexpected and expected. You said it didn’t affect how you saw me, and I almost sobbed with relief. You weren’t mad, and that gave me a little courage, but it wasn’t enough to tell you the truth. When you accepted it and didn’t question any farther, I was relieved and angry. Glad that you didn’t suspect anything, but also mad that you seemed to move on so easily when it felt like I was drowning. And then you found out. When that happened and you were outside talking with the doctor, I was almost tempted to jump out the window and run. I was so close, until I heard a thud, and saw you kneeling on the floor. I couldn’t leave you there like that, so I decided that I would be brave for once in my life and face my problems head on. You wouldn’t imagine how reassured I felt when I realized that you didn’t hate me. That you didn’t blame me for getting sick. You took care of me, and it meant the whole world to me. I was afraid. I am afraid. I’m terrified of dying. But you were there with me Iwa-chan, and that made everything better. I’m sure right now you’re probably a bit sad, and I’m sorry for leaving you behind like this. I would have loved to travel the world with you. I would have loved to play volleyball with you for a few more years. I would have loved to see you grow into the fine man I’m sure you’ll be, but the stars are calling me home. Inside this box are a bunch of notes or thoughts I had that I want you to have. Just know, Iwa-chan, I’ll always be with you. Whenever you miss me, just look at the stars and wave. I’ll be waving back._

_Oikawa Tooru_

Iwaizumi desperately clutched the note to his chest, his breath heaving and his shoulders shuddered as sobs tore themselves out of his throat. His vision went blurry, and he desperately grasped onto the nearest object he could find. 

It was the box. _The box._ Iwaizumi slowly peered back into it, seeing the many colored papers lining the bottom. He braved a hand and picked up a single paper, and unfolded it to see Oikawa’s neat writing on the page. 

_I set for you today, Iwa-chan. It was a good set, and I saw you flying through the air, so focused. Then you hit it perfectly, and I think that was the happiest moment of my life. It was perfect. I want to set for you forever Iwa-chan._

Iwaizumi’s trembling hands reached for the next paper, being careful so that he wouldn’t rip the precious words on the colored sheet.

_Hey Iwa-chan. I saw my first hallucination today. It wasn’t anything scary, it was just a cat. It seemed so real though. I thought I would mention it to you, but then I saw you sleeping on the couch, and you looked so exhausted. So I didn’t tell you. You needed some rest, and I wasn’t going to bother you about a cat. Anyways, you made milk bread, and it was the best thing I had ever eaten! Even if I didn’t have an appetite, I would always eat your milk bread, especially if you made it for me!_

He grabbed the next note.

_We went up to see the stars today Iwa-chan, because I asked you to. I could tell that you were skeptical, but then you said yes, and I was so happy! The stars always make me happy, but being with you makes me even happier! I felt a little bad when you looked so tired, but you still humored me, and I wanted to thank you._

The next.

_I want to thank you a million times over. I could thank you a million times over, but it still wouldn’t be enough. I don’t think anything could ever be enough to thank you, Iwa-chan. You’ve done so much for me, but I haven't been able to give you anything in return. I’m sorry._

It went on. Note after note. Some had Iwaizumi laughing through his tears, while others reminded him of the hole in his heart and amplified the pain of Oikawa’s absence all over again. Then, he reached the last note. It was a gorgeous teal color, the exact shade of the scarf Iwaizumi had bought him. He slowly unfolded it, before reading the short line on the centre of the page.

* * *

Iwaizumi called the first person he could see on his phone and tried to breathe as his sight was going black. 

“ _Hello-_ ” It was Kuroo.

“I didn’t tell him I love him.” Iwaizumi couldn’t breathe, and he felt the sobs in his chest threatening to break out. Tears were filling his eyes, and there was a weight crushing his heart. 

“Iwaizumi. Where are you.”

“I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him Kuroo. I-”

“Hajime.” Kuroo’s voice was stern and harsh. “Where. Are. You.”

“T-the apartment. I didn’t tell him, Kuroo. He died without knowing I loved him.” Iwaizumi felt the panic rising, and his breath started to stutter. Kuroo was saying something, but Iwaizumi couldn't hear him. A torrent rushed through his ears, and he gasped in a desperate attempt to draw air into his lungs. 

_I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him._

* * *

Every good thing has a bad counterpart. Light and darkness. Truth and lies. Life and Death. Two sides of the same coin. Where one appeared, the other always followed. For light is what creates shadows. Beautiful lies hide the painful truth. Life gives while Death takes. That was how the universe worked: to maintain balance. It was a law made by the heavens. 

Iwaizumi learned that too late. 

* * *

“Hey Tooru,” Iwaizumi greeted the stars. They sparkled with the lights of a thousand snuffed out souls. Hopes and dreams left unfulfilled; people left behind while others moved on. Lives shattered in order for balance to be achieved in the heavens. But the heavens did not see, did not understand the pain of the ones left behind. They did not understand the lengths that despair would drive him to. 

Oikawa was somewhere up there. Unforgettable. Untraceable. Unreachable. But Iwaizumi would follow. He always did.

He would shake the earth, destroy the sky, fall to the depths of hell to regain all that he had lost. 

He would shatter the heavens. 

“I’ll see you soon.”

* * *

A single colored paper drifted through the air. It was a shade of teal, cool and warm. There was a single line written in the centre. It’s words meant nothing to anyone. Not anymore.

It had meant something once.

_I love you, Iwaizumi Hajime._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for sticking to the end! I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I have to say I enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you thought of it in the comments :) constructive criticism is appreciated!


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